As we get closer and closer to kickoff, one question remains: Who are our nation’s finest politicians supporting? Our exhaustive research gives the big answer.
Barack Obama: New England Patriots. Normally, an incumbent president during an election year, wouldn’t risk alienating one fan base by choosing sides. However, Obama is from Chicago, and on record as a passionate fan of the Bears. He can’t in good conscience pick the New York Giants, unless he wants a 20-minute profanity-laden phone tirade from Rahm Emanuel.
Newt Gingrich: New England Patriots. Like Gingrich, Coach Bill Belichick is an unconventional, out-of-the-box thinker. Newt wants to go start a colony on the moon, Belichick is willing to play a wide receiver at defensive back for years. Would you be surprised if Bill Belichick already had a base on the moon, solely devoted to training linebackers and tight ends?
Both men have a history of adultery. Not only that, but Newt left his wife for a younger woman when she had cancer; Belichick abandoned Drew Bledsoe for a younger QB when Mo Lewis ruptured Bledsoe’s spleen. Gingrich has to decide if he can cheer for New England while also demanding that Aaron Hernandez be deported.
Rick Santorum: New York Giants. The Giants played well on a very sloppy field in the NFC Championship game. It was muddy, the field was slippery, and when the rain hit, the field almost seemed…frothy. Also, Eli Manning might be the best QB in the league in terms of coming from behind. If that doesn’t say “santorum,” then I don’t know what does.
Mitt Romney: New England Patriots. He’s the former governor of Massachusetts, so this is a slam dunk. The Patriots have a very poor pass defense, but Romney doesn’t care about the very poor. Romney knows what it’s like to lose to a clearly inferior opponent and then wait four long years to get another shot. He’s also promised to repeal ObamaCare AND Bill Belichick’s fine for SpyGate.
Ron Paul: San Francisco 49ers. Paul wants to put America back on the gold standard, and he wants to put the Super Bowl back on the red-and-gold standard. Other Ron Paul NFL positions include rolling back instant replay, conducting a full audit of the NFL Network, and eliminating of underperforming and inefficient AFC West division. That being said, Ron Paul does own a Wes Welker jersey, though he wears his Peyton Hillis jersey a lot more.
Dennis Kucinich: New York Giants. An outspoken opponent of the US invasion of Iraq, Kucinich jumped on the Giants bandwagon after they beat the Cowboys, in part because they neutralized Dallas’ pass-rushing outside linebacker. However, it could be that Kucinich may have misread post-game articles that praised New York’s “anti-Ware effort.” Also, he likes Tom Coughlin because their faces both look weird on TV.
Sarah Palin: The BC Lions of the CFL. You can totally see Russia from Vancouver.
(Sean Keane)
(via nfloffseason)
