February 2012
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Who are the politicians rooting for?
As we get closer and closer to kickoff, one question remains: Who are our nation’s finest politicians supporting? Our exhaustive research gives the big answer.
Barack Obama: New England Patriots. Normally, an incumbent president during an election year, wouldn’t risk alienating one fan base by choosing sides. However, Obama is from Chicago, and on record as a passionate fan of the Bears. He can’t...
“One widely posted warning reads SMOKING DISCOURAGED, and that says it all about...”
– P.J. O’Rourke, describing UN headquarters. So if you were surprised that the UN refused to condemn the civilian massacres in Syria, don’t be - they can’t even ban smoking in their own building.
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Romans Schmomans
I hate Roman numerals and this is why.
(via sportscentr)
It is always confusing when a sportswriter refers to a Super Bowl by number alone, expecting everyone to intuitively remember that the NFL championship game from February 2008 is Super Bowl XLII. You know, just take the current year, mentally subtract 1966, convert to Roman numerals, and there you have it. Completely intuitive.
Bill...
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Super LOL XLVI: "I Am A New York," by Jake Weisman
Jake Weisman is a very funny man. He loves the New York Football Giants, Godsmack, and his father.
nfloffseason:
(Leading up to Sunday, we asked a group of comedians to share their thoughts and insights on the big game. Next up is Jake Weisman, a stand-up comic, podcaster, and cat lover who lives in Los Angeles)
I Am A New York
Hi my name is Jake Weisman. I am from New York, the most important...
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January 2012
17 posts
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The Business Returns to the Meltdown →
The Business SF heads south in just TWO SHORT WEEKS for a return engagement at the Nerdist Theater at Meltdown Comics in Hollywood. On February 10th, enjoy Alex Koll, Chris Garcia, Bucky Sinister, and yours truly, along with two, count ‘em, two special guests: Elevator astronaut Louis Katz and comedian/hobo poet Kyle Kinane. All this, and a medically-transported-burrito raffle too!
This is...
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Moneyball 2012: Jose Canseco Director's Cut
(via mlboffseason)
Moneyball 2012
By Aaron Sorkin & Sean Keane
(SCENE: The ramshackle Oakland front office’s conference room. Oakland scouts fidget nervously, staring at their own pagers rather than each other. Billy Beane bursts into the conference room waving a printout.)
Billy Beane: Guys, you’re still trying to replace Gio Gonzalez. I told you we can’t do it. We can’t do it. Now what...
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We Are the 49%: Why the 49ers Should Be the Team...
MIC CHECK! Sports fandom and political activism are not mutually exclusive, but it’s understandable that activists in the Occupy moment have not been following the NFL season closely this fall. Who should they support today? I think the general consensus should be the San Francisco 49ers.
In the pre-season, pundits gave the 49ers only a 1% chance to reach the Super Bowl.
The 49ers defense...
Championship Game Commercial Predictions
SPORTS JOKES
(via nfloffseason)
If the 49ers win, expect Alex Smith to immediately sign a deal with Domino’s Pizza. “Everyone thought I sucked, and then I got a lot better. While that still only bumps me up to mediocre, I’m also cheap.”
If the Giants win, Eli Manning will film another Double Stuff Racing League commercial, but his new partner will be Andrew Luck.
Depending on his postgame...
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"Offensive holding: This happens when an offensive... →
My NFL rules guide appeared on the East Bay Express blog today. This could be the beginning of a beautiful alt-weekly friendship.
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“Love Is Like A Bottle Of Gin,”...
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Rules for the New San Francisco Football Fan
The 49ers are set to play the New Orleans Saints tomorrow in their first playoff game since 2003. Many San Franciscans haven’t cared much for football in the interim, since the team has been terrible, Sunday is a great day for farmers markets, and January is only eight months away from Burning Man and you can never make too many dreamcatchers in advance. So for those who will be watching...
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Behind The Inside Of The Numbers: Detroit at New...
Another in depth football preview, via nfloffseason
Detroit leaves their dome for less friendlier indoor confines in New Orleans in a matchup of two 5,000-yard passers. How do we decide between such high-powered offenses? Time to go Behind The Inside Of The Numbers!
Worst failure by trusted leadership New Orleans: President Bush was president of the United States from 2001-2008. In 2005, Bush...
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Behind The Inside Of The Numbers: Cincinnati at...
I’m writing some playoff previews for NFL Off-Season, and for the sports-averse, they contain virtually no analysis, though they do discuss the academic backgrounds of the team mascots. First up is Cincinnati at Houston.
nfloffseason:
Today, Cincinnati visits Houston in the Texans’ first playoff game ever, which means David Carr can finally cut his hair. Houston is a four-point favorite,...
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My Favorite New York Times Correction of the Year
Correction: January 4, 2012
An earlier version of this article misspelled part of the title of a segment of “The Daily Show” that featured Colbert. It was “Even Stevphen,” not “Stephven.”
(From “How Many Stephen Colberts Are There?”)
December 2011
7 posts
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Childhood Jokes Rewritten as Editorial Commentary... →
This is a thing I wrote in college when I was reading a lot of Christopher Hitchens essays and feeling angry at the world and smarter than everyone else in a way that only a 21-year-old can be. I was cribbing most of these Kissinger slams from him, so I let Hitchens share the byline.
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Two traveling salesmen and Henry Kissinger are walking down the road. It’s getting dark, so they stop...
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My Vans Sponsorship Packet
Please support Dave Ross in his efforts to obtain sponsorship from Vans, so that he can go on the Warped Tour and achieve his lifelong dream of meeting Less Than Jake.
davetotheross:
I can’t think of anything more hilarious than being sponsored by Vans as a comedian. And thus, I faxed them a packet, and I will continue to fax them this packet and tweet at them until they realize what a genius...
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November 2011
9 posts
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WatchHere is “Keane Wolf: Eclipse”, a video I originally made as part of the smash hit “Keane Wolf” show last year. As a new Twilight movie is upon us once more, enjoy the transformed Keane’s role as Jacob, a werewolf with a much more relatable perspective, and physique.