August 2008
80 posts
Sean Keane and Chris Garcia Discuss Manny Ramirez...
Me: Holy moly! Manny Ramirez is a Dodger!
Sean: HUGE
Me: That's like the Lakers getting Gilbert Arenas, or like the Galaxy getting Kanye West.
Sean: Congratulations to the 2008 National League West Champs
Me: Man, LA teams, and our midseason Hail Mary trades...
****************************************************************************
Me: "This just in: Manny Ramirez was just spotted running along the 405 freeway in his pajamas mumbling incoherently about not getting a call back from his recent MAD TV audition
Sean: He'll be interviewed for "Jay Walking" on Friday night
Sean: The questions are going to be scaled back
Sean: "Manny, what day is it?"
Me: Where I from, every day is Superbowl Sunday. Ness question
Sean: "Should you eat grass?"
Me: Hahaha
Sean: Warning to the women of LA... While Manny will wear a jimmy hat
Me: He'll take it off as he rounds 3rd!
Sean: The combination of pube extensions and a penile do-rag means it will fall off once he starts going fast.
*******************************************************************************
Me: "Manny being Manny" has just been picked up by the Spike Network. The reality show set to air at 4:20pm/am Mon-Sun follows former Boston Red Sox slugger Manny Ramirez's transition to his new home in Los Angeles, and largely centers around his...
Sean: He'd have a lot of good segments: Chauffering prostitutes with Eddie Murphy, for "Manny Being Tranny"
Me: HA
Sean: He and Nomar Garciaparra go jet skiing... Nomar pulls a hamstring stepping off the dock
me: "He's okay! And the crowd goes wild!" Not for Nomar, but because it just so happens that Miya Hamm enters the stadium...
Sean: Manny immediately tries to get her phone number, but gets distracted by a cotton candy vendor.
Me: "Oye, Candy stand man! Can I borrow your stand? I got some bichess to impress."
Sean: I think he should stay in Anthony Kiedis's poolhouse for the rest of the season
Me: One night, Manny sleepwalks into Dave Navarro's sleep chamber, and in a stupor, they accidentally wed
Sean: Is that a Dodger Dog, or are you just happy to see me?
Everyone loves the trade deadline!
Jason Bay Being Jason Bay
sportscentr:
Manny Ramirez has been traded to the Dodgers, and Jason Bay is the new Red Sox left fielder. Bay is a native of British Columbia, and he’s got some big shoes to fill, both on and off the field.
I would like to see Bay take on the vacant role of Red Sox prima donna that Manny vacated. Here are some potential examples of Jason Bay being Jason Bay.
Bay storms out of a breakfast...
July 2008
60 posts
McSweeney's Rejects Mike Mussina's Seventh... →
“I was thinking of doing a list called, ‘Children’s Board Game Manufacturer Or Major League Baseball Player?’ where ‘Milton Bradley’ could be the ‘both’ answer, cuz they always do the thing where one of them is ‘both,’ but then I couldn’t come up with any other examples that sounded close,” Mussina told reporters at his...
Soloman Cake 100% →
Everybody loves this guy, and now he’s on the Internet! I understand he’s going to be doing a lot of blogging these days, so keep your eyes peeled for Soloman Cake. Who knows - he might just be performing at a comedy club near you!
Top 10 Ways Gay Marriage Harms Straight People →
Nato Green’s debut blog post on the Huffington Post. After his new twin daughters, this is the third-most-impressive thing Nato Green has produced in July:
Things are supposed to be legal unless someone can claim to be harmed by them. All sides in the gay marriage scrimmage fight have had the misfortune to argue in courts of law whether someone, anyone, is or is not harmed when gays wed....
Sean Keane and Chris Garcia Discuss Geetika's Taco...
(Backstory - Geetika is moving to NYC, and is celebrating with a taco pub crawl through the Mission District of SF. Also, her boyfriend lives in the same building as Giants broadcaster Mike Krukow.)
Chris: Krukow should come along to taco crawl and do color commentary
Sean: Grab some limes, meat!
Chris: And away she goes, the scrappy Hindi grad student out of San Jose. measuring in at 5'2 120 lbs. Will you look at this...she's ditching the tortilla and going straight for the brains! We've got a doozie on our hands tonight, ladies and germs.
Sean: I'm waiting for the point at Zeitgeist when Geetika's arm gets tired from hoisting pints.
Sean: And Omar has to signal for a lefty
Chris: The pitcher count's at 90, she's looking tired.
Chris: Man, she's gonna get so wasted. WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE
Chris: She's just not going to let us stopping drinking or eating
Chris: 5 bucks she head butts the Tamale Lady
Sean: She's like an adorable little fratboy.
Sean: And she's subtle, too.
Sean: It's not like she yells, "Drink, bitch!"
Sean: It's more like, asking with disappointment where your beer is.
Chris: She's going to be a great mother
A Thought That Just Occurred To Me In The...
marklisanti:
God is expressing his displeasure about the shuttering of Scrabulous.
UPDATE: Liana FTW: “Single letters have fallen off signs in strip malls throughout Chino Hills. Combined, they spell “FUCK YOU HABRO” (God’s saving his S) and ‘QI.’”
Screw you, Hasbro!
Also, I am enjoying that my earthquake news is primarily coming via Tumblr.
quake
itsbedtime:
How I responded in an emergency:
1) Unplugged my laptop
2) Grabbed Wagandstuff
3) Jumped into bed
4) Located my phone so I could call my boss and tell him I needed the rest of the day off if a beam fell and went through my chest.
When the Loma Prieta quake (7.1) hit the Bay Area in 1989, my mother ran to the dining room and grabbed the china cabinet with both arms. This was...
Bowling For Kelly-bine
My sister Kelly celebrated her “golden birthday” yesterday - she turned 27 on the 27th - and we commemorated the occasion with dinner and bowling. Highlights:
A guy bowled a strike while facing backwards and rolling the ball between his legs.
I set a new personal record of 133, which is kind of terrible for a personal best.
Kelly and I high-fived according to the scoring system;...
“Anyone who can keep an audience is funny. Dane Cook’s for college girls. So if...”
– Chris Rock (via goldenfiddle)
Just to sully Dane Cook’s reputation further, though I should probably ask college girls to weigh in.
Dane Cook Ruins Everything →
The Guy Who Plays Mr. Belvedere Fan Club →
Belvedere goodness, Part Three. Sadly, there’s no video of this sketch on the web.
Doug: Yeah, I’d like to say, partly to talk about it, and partly to let the new guy in on the mood here a little bit. Uh.. Mr. Belvedere is.. the light of my life. Um.. I know I speak for the others.. uh, when I say he is.. so amazing.. you know? And, uh.. he’s just.. I wish.. you know.. I...
Good read about the carbon footprints of the Prius... →
indian:
I’m not quite like my friend Rohan with his hatred of Priuses (Prii?) and Prius drivers - basically stems from the holier-than-thou attitude many of them have, and the fact that you get a lot of slow drivers in the carpool/fast lanes.
Still, interesting stuff - I knew that the price premium you pay for a hybrid makes it several years before you start saving money, didn’t realize that...
living with omar
me[post couch delivery]: wow thats an ugly couch
omar: you ugly, woman
------
me: crap, muni in 2 minutes, gatta run
omar: peace, bitch
------
me: did you eat the lunch i made for you?
omar: i had ice cream. birite bitches!
------
me: what do you want for dinner
omar: guiness and tacos.
me: i love you
------
There was another great conversation about Omar's ugly couch.
Omar: You hate my couch.
Geetika: I like the shape, just not the color.
Omar: How would you like it if I said that to you? I like your shape, but not your color.
Geetika: That's something my mom *would* say to me.
WatchMy roommate Chris needed a bike lock. In my search for a Kryptonite lock, I discovered a box that had remained unopened since I moved to my apartment, nearly three years ago. No set up - this is a true inventory of the contents, as they came out. I am wearing the famous Kevin Costner t-shirt in this video. Also, a teenage Mike Piazza starred in Teen Wolf under an assumed name*.
(*not true)
Cocktail Hour in Placentia
(It was 7PM in Placentia. Doctor Rachael had awakened from a nap just minutes before cocktail hour began.)
Doctor Rachel: It's so weird to be drinking so soon after waking up. It's like, Hello, and suddenly I've got vodka in my hand.
Roberto: Welcome to my world.
* * *
Roberto: Look, working with orphans is stressful.
Sean: Glendy! Maribel! Dame la taza!
“Love Is Like a Bottle of Gin”,...
Night of the Gun →
David Carr is a culture reporter and media columnist for the New York Times, and he blogs about the Oscars as The Carpetbagger. He’s also a former junkie, who recently wrote a memoir called The Night of the Gun.
This book is the polar opposite of your usual James Frey-style junkie memoir, because Carr approaches his story like a reporter, interviewing people from his past and using police...
When Irish Eyes Are Judging
Irish Girl: Americans always look older than Irish people. It's a fact.
Sean: How old do you think I look?
Irish Girl: 23.
Sean: You're exactly right.
azizisbored:
Santogold and Diplo - Guns of...
WatchTim & Eric & Zack Galifianakis, for Absolut Vodka. (via goldenfiddle)
“I haven’t seen a ball game in four or five years. I don’t like the...”
– 100-year-old Bill Werber, the oldest living former major league baseball player
meaghano:
Cake, “Stickshifts and Safetybelts”
...
scoring the all star game
indian:
So I tried to do this Sunday at a Dodgers game [yay watching my player give up 7 runs in 1 2/3 innings!], but I messed up and got frustrated [both at the scorekeeping and at Andrew Miller] so I gave up. I learned at some point when I was young, but was a little rusty on some of the conventions [which aren’t universal, anyway]…also I blame the shitty Dodger scorecard. And Andrew...
Home Run Derby Update
Maybe it’s not a complete whitewash. Evan Longoria is supposedly Latino, though he’s from Los Angeles. This Latino designation is confirmed by Machochip.com. I think a name like “Evan” gives him 500 Caucasian points. (“Chase Utley” is 200,000 Caucasian points, while “Lance Berkman” actually breaks the Caucasian-name point scale.) Still,...
The Whitest Home Run Derby of All-Time
The Home Run Derby is tonight, part of baseball’s All-Star Game festivities. For the contest in Yankee Stadium, the powers that be have decided to throw up a whitewash:
Just three years after baseball debuted an International Home Run Derby, with players from Venezuela, Korea, Curacao, Panama, Puerto Rico, and the Dominican Republic, this year’s field is all white guys, though Ryan...
Twin View TV
My friend Boback got married last month in Orange County. After the wedding, manyof us returned to the Boback family home in Laguna Beach, where we watched TV and drank very few of the 12-15 Fat Tires we’d smuggled away from the reception.
Things got interesting when I noticed the “Twin View” feature on Boback’s television. Twin View allows you to watch two channels...
More Fame for Shred Begley, Jr. →
Boing Boing has picked up on the glory that was Shred Begley, Jr (AKA Alex Koll) and his winning performance at the US Air Guiat regionals in SF. A detailed recap and glorious photos can be found at SF Jukebox. The national finals are only four short weeks away - get ready!
Legal Fun Facts
Sean: Interesting legal "fun fact": Resisting arrest is Penal Code § 69
Omar: ....
Omar: The fact that it's a penal code is an added bonus
Sean: How often do you think the bailiff cracks up when they read those charges?
Omar: Do you think he says "penal" all the time, or just in that case?
Sean: I like to imagine the bailiff and the court reporter high-fiving
Sean: The judge banging his gavel, muttering, "Every goddamn time..."
Sean: "I will clear this courtroom! You are *so* immature!"
Katie Murrin Tries to Post to Tumblr
Katie Murrin: God
Katie Murrin: I really want to put this on my blog
Katie Murrin: That i have never once used
Katie Murrin: But don't know how
Sean: See, since you don't use your blog, I'm going to have to poach this one
Katie Murrin: How the HELL does any normal person know what TTM means?
Katie Murrin: NO!
Katie Murrin: No poach
Katie Murrin: Eggs are for poaching!
Sean: You have until 4 pm to put this up, or it's getting stolen and put on my page
Katie Murrin: I don't know how
Katie Murrin: I don't even know how to log it in
Katie Murrin: OK, I'll make a deal with you
Katie Murrin: You post it on my page and then you can REBLOG to yours
Katie Murrin: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Katie Murrin: HAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAH
Katie Murrin: hahahahaha
Katie Murrin: No I don't care, you can use it
Sean: I knew your hatred of writing things down would work in my favor!
Sean: BTW, using your blog literally COULD NOT be easier
Katie Murrin: I know, you will have to show me
Katie Murrin: I am relatively savvy once things are shown
Katie Murrin: But it sounds confusing right now
Sean: Try logging in and go from there
Katie Murrin: OK
Katie Murrin: What's my login?
Sean: Your email
Katie Murrin: What's the website?
Katie Murrin: By the way THIS is gold for your site
Katie Murrin: Maybe not 14K
Katie Murrin: But this is pretty tragic
TTM (tm) →
murrinatr:
there really are no words for this. what in the what. I really want to know 1) who is buying these? 2) who is recognizing these? 3) what’s the big deal about 14K gold? which they seize every opportunity to tell you such.
A choice excerpt for the FAQ section:
I’m married, but can I buy a TTMTM pin for someone other than myself? Of course you can. A single sister or friendly...
Grads and Dads Everyday Aphorisms Day-to-Day... →
luggagetuesdays:
365 sayings for Grads and Dads apiece (730 sayings total) This calendar is written by Mike Spiegelman, copyright 2008. Happy Father’s Day, Dad! And congratulations, Grad! This gift is a…
Mike Spiegelman is a mad genius. There really is a whole year’s worth of aphorisms here, sort of:
Monday, August 25, 2008 Dad: Mowing the lawn can help calm the nerves. Grad: Time...
Watchchrisgarcia:
My tight bros from way back when came to visit me for the 4th of July. Here’s a quick little diddy of a video we made with Mike’s new fancypants camera and a power strip to the face. (via Mike Fischer on Vimeo)
This video demonstrates the awesome power of c-spills.
Also, he got hit pretty hard in the face with that power strip. I was disappointed by his girlish yelp, but that nose...
Salad time
Sean: Saladtimemuthafuckas!
Katie: You and your salads
Sean: Look, it's time to stop being a fatty!
Sean: This heat is no good for the obese!
Sean: Like Central America wasn't bad enough
Katie: Yea you are sooooooo obese
Katie: But remember this
Katie: Just because you obese
Katie: Doesn't mean you A BEAST
Sean: Words to live by.
How Not To Imply that You've Made Love To A Pirate
(During a game of Ten Fingers)
Richie: OK. I've never had sex with a married person.
Susan: What if you didn't know they were married?
Richie: It still counts.
Eric: What if they were engaged?
Richie: No, married.
Sean: What if they were married...to the sea?
