August 2008
80 posts
“John McCain tapped little-known Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin”
– Who can blame him? (via whatchapsmyass)
Zing!
Tippecanoe and Eskimos, Too
Sean: Seriously, the Republican ticket is from Alaska and Arizona?
Sean: Did they consider nominating at least one person who doesn't live in a wasteland?
Omar: The new Republican strategy has come to the front ...
Omar: Alphabetized rankings.
“Twenty years ago they kicked me out of the medical community for trying to put...”
– That is an actual line in the new Vin Diesel movie Babylon A.D. (via azizisbored)
My Interview With Gallagher, Part Two →
If I was trying to antagonize Gallagher, I would have called this one, “Part Too”. Here’s an excerpt:
A few years ago you ran for governor of California [Gallagher placed 16th out of 135 candidates]. What would you have done if you’d won that election and become governor?
Gallagher: I would have them sing the national anthem in Spanish before basketball and baseball games so...
WatchEpisode 3 of “The 51st State”, from the Democratic National Convention, and the best one yet! Dan unveils his t-shirts for the Hillary 2016 campaign and carries around his own “glass ceiling” for Hillary supporters - including Gloria Allred - to break. Keep watching for his inspection of the Denver riot police.
That's Not Cadence, That's More of the Same
Joe Biden’s speech featured a call-and-response refrain, “That’s not change, that’s more of the same!” However, he kept saying the second part at different speeds, so the audience had no chance to say it along with him, as appeared to be the plan. When people weren’t catching up, he started saying the first part slowly, and pausing, but then rushing through...
“obama biden is an anagram for babe domain”
– Omar Seyal, social observer (via indian)
“Carrot Top needs to do some jokes like Steven Wright, and Steven Wright needs to...”
– Gallagher, from SFStandup.com
My Interview With Gallagher, Part One →
Part One of my long-awaited interview with comedy legend Gallagher. Here’s an excerpt:
Have you seen Carrot Top recently?
Yes. I don’t know what’s going on there.
It seems like he’s trying to rip off your muscle jacket, but with his actual body instead of a prop.
I agree. You know, he was hiding his homosexuality all these years, and I think that he’s just coming out of his shell. I...
WatchMy Australian pal, comedian Dan Ilic, has tricked someone into paying him to cover the American presidential election. Here, he reports live from Denver.
Nato Green Plays the Race Card on the Huffington... →
Selected excerpts:
Second, how does one play the race card from the bottom of the deck? If you’re going to sling metaphors, please try a little to be coherent. Is Mr. Davis suggesting that the bottom of the deck is dirtier because it touched the martini-soaked cocktail napkin of class warfare?
And:
America elected a President who was a b-list actor and c-list politician in 1980, so...
Excerpts From the Spanish Diary - by Woody Allen →
“APRIL 2
Offered role to Scarlett Johansson. Said before she could accept, script must be approved by her agent, then by her mother, with whom she’s close. Following that it must be approved by her agent’s mother. In middle of negotiation she changed agents — then changed mothers. She’s gifted but can be a handful.”
My Text Back and Forth with Obama at 3AM Last...
azizisbored:
Barack: I’ve chosen Senator Joe Biden to be our VP nominee. Watch the first Obama-Biden rally live at 3pm ET on www.BarackObama.com. Spread the world!
Aziz: Hey man, that’s great. I’m actually asleep, I’ll catch ya tomorrow.
Barack: No man, we gotta party! Come out!
Aziz: That’s all good, I’ll party up tomorrow.
Barack: Quit being a bitch, come out!!!!
Aziz: I’m good man.
...
azizisbored:
Oh shit! “Swagger Like Us” (Jay Z...
“i am not totally sure the jungle has sharks, honestly.”
– Sean Keane, moments after using the term “jungle sharks” (via chrisgarcia) (via seankeane)
I’m pretty sure the Amazon jungle has sharks - bull sharks in fact.
“and the notorious Bull Shark (Carcharhinus leucas), all of which penetrate far up freshwater rivers — the Bull Shark has been...
Jokes About The Olympics With A Short Shelf Life,...
More on the Olympics and xenophobia:
I got into an Olympics-related dispute last night when I ordered some Chinese food. Even though the delivery guy claimed otherwise, I’m pretty that kung pao chicken was really thirteen years old.
Stand-Up Comedy Anxiety Dreams
Stand-up comedy takes up a lot of my time and mental energy, but only recently has it begun to also invade my subconscious. This week, I had two notable stand-up comedy dreams.
1. The Punchline was having a comedy showcase during a Giants game. I was scheduled to perform early, but I had a hard time finding the stage. When my name was announced, I had to sprint across the outfield, and vault...
Watchdalasverdugo:
agsystems:
Hidden Camera Prank Goes Bad Video
I kind of think this is how ALL hidden camera pranks should turn out. I always get really enraged watching those shows. “OH HAHA, WE EXPLOITED YOU FOR A CHEAP LAUGH!”
HAHA, I’m punching you in the face now!
It’s even worse when they try to substitute coffee crystals for full-bodied regular coffee.
Bacon Salt →
Zero calories, kosher, and vegetarian. And they have a blog!
A testimonial:
“Bacon Salt bitch-slaps the flavor of bacon into anything and everything it touches.”
What if you sprinkled bacon salt onto a piece of bacon? Crazy? Or, so crazy it just might work?!?
Link courtesty Annie R, who will someday invent a breakfast sausage salt.
(Previously:
Bacon on a stick
Bacon bra
...
“i am not totally sure the jungle has sharks, honestly.”
– Sean Keane, moments after using the term “jungle sharks” (via chrisgarcia)
Brad Blanks on the Red Carpet →
sportscentr:
My Aussie pal Brad Blanks interviews swimmers on the red carpet of the Speedo party in Beijing. Camerawork by Jigar Mehta. Adorability by Natalie Coughlin.
Jokes About The Olympics With A Short Shelf Life,...
The Olympics are supposed to be a celebration of global unity, but watching the events is only making me more xenophobic. I watched the opening ceremonies and felt very universal and blissful, and then three days later I was shouting at the TV:
“You French bastards!”
“Parlez-vous ‘Second place’, monsieur?”
“If it wasn’t for the USA, you’d...
Christian Slater - My Own Worst Enemy →
This new NBC show features Christian Slater as a man with dual identitites: one, an efficiency expert, and one a trained operative. Question: When is the last time Christian Slater played one character effectively?
I am still extremely excited about this show.
WatchAlex Koll helps Rooftop Comedy answer some emails. Coincidentally, I will be performing with Alex tonight when he headlines Something People Like at the Purple Onion, at 8 PM. Tickets are a steal at $8.
marklisanti:
Presented without commentary, and...
A Highlight From My Interview With Gallagher
Sean: I have to ask. Besides watermelons, what's your favorite thing to smash?
Gallagher: Mustard!
Sean: It would have been great if you'd said, "people's expectations".
Gallagher: What?
Sean: Never mind.
Spray-On Condoms: Still a Hard Sell →
I love bored, sarcastic copy editors.
Paul Scheer is a liar! →
robhuebel:
When it comes to Bigfoot don’t trust Paul Scheer. Trust the Bigfoot Field Researchers Organization (BFRO). Paul wouldn’t know The Sasquatch if it bit him (which it wouldn’t because they aren’t carnivorous)
Bigfoot debunking! No word on any links to Russian aggression.
Georgia On Our Minds
Katie Murrin: http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=300248915430
Katie Murrin: Wow
Sean: Dead faerie
Sean: AND bigfoot corpse, in one day: http://news.cnet.com/8301-13577_3-10018290-36.html
Katie Murrin: Georgia
Katie Murrin: The state
Katie Murrin: Or the country?
Sean: State
Katie Murrin: I imagine things in the country are a little hairy
Katie Murrin: BOOM
Katie Murrin: HAHAHAHAH
Sean: Wouldn't it be awesome if that's why the Russians invaded?
Katie Murrin: Yes.
Clone Wars: 19% →
“George Lucas is turning into the enemy of fun.”
- Owen Gleiberman
Completely Amazing Moment
I was brushing my teeth a few moments ago, and a fly flew over the sink just as I spit. And I totally drilled it. Direct hit. That fly was in a daze, buried in saliva and Colgate Tartar Protection toothpaste. I think I was more surprised than he was.
This is the closest someone with my athletic ability and lifestyle will ever come to experiencing what it was like for Randy Johnson when he...
Sean Keane Shows For Your Weekend
I’m hosting some high-quality shows this weekend.
SPF7 & Silver City Pink at the SF Improv Festival
Thursday-Friday, August 14-15, 8 PM, at the Purple Onion
SPF7 is an all-male sketch and improv group based here in SF. Silver City Pink is an all-female improv group from Los Angeles. Come see the regional rivalry, the sexes-of battling, and all the hilarity, at the Purple Onion. ...