April 2009
73 posts
Ballin on the Holiday
I played basketball for a few hours today, in honor of Cesar Chavez and his underpublicized love for roundball. Everytime I play, I end up with a few scratches and bruises, mainly for hitting the ground in pursuit of loose balls. I even saved a loose ball and slapped the asphalt like a Dukie. Yes, that has something to do with “hustle”, but it has a lot more to do with my lack of...
March 2009
83 posts
The Great Quake of 2009: A Play In One Act
(SETTING: The living room. SEAN and CHRIS are sitting with their laptops, on separate couches. From outside, the noise of nail guns and hammering can be heard. Suddenly, the house begins to shake.)
CHRIS: This is an earthquake.
SEAN: (still kind of thinking it’s a construction accident) Huh, yeah, Probably.
(The house continues to shake)
CHRIS: You know, I’m going to move from...
Boner Patrol in the SF Weekly →
SF’s finest (And I do mean fiiiinest) all-girl sketch troupe gets profiled in the SF Weekly. They’re at the Dark Room the next two weekends, and if you come to the Friday show, you can hang out with me in the audience. $10 at the door, $7 in advance, and the Dark Room is BYOB.
The last 12.
mollyknight:
I will never wear a sweater dress and boots into a locker room ever again, even when it’s freezing. Dodgers centerfielder Matt Kemp actutally greeted me with “What’s good, Pocahantas?” He knows nothing of style, but he does deal in sass.
Signs of a Life Well-Lived
Aunt Agnes’s obituary prominently mentioned gambling, bingo, and Manhattans. Among the things presented at her funeral, as a symbol if her life, were playing cards, SF Giants gear (“she rooted for them even when they were terrible - just like her own children’s teams”), a wedding photo from the 1930s, a statue from Ireland, and a big bottle of vermouth.
I hope I do half...
Watch“Gone In 60 Seconds 2: Book of Secrets - The Laserdisc Deleted Scene”. This deleted scene - featuring a very special guest star - is only available on the deluxe laserdisc edition of Nicolas Cage’s new blockbuster, “Gone In 60 Seconds 2: Book of Secrets”. Premiered at Sean In 60 Seconds, March 20, 2009.
Mark your calendars! “The Seanshank Redemption” is...
WatchFrom “Sean In 60 Seconds”, March 20, 2009.
At the beginning of the show, “Nicolas Cage” interrupted the host because he’d found a sheet of coded disaster predictions in a time capsule behind the theater. Among them: Cage’s hair plugs would escape and attack the Hoover Dam, his marriage to Lisa Marie Presley would fail (“That’s on old one!”,...
Bros before them, literacy after both
Lyndsey: i got a run in my hoes
Lyndsey: and needed new ones
Rajiv: you gotta be careful when you have run-ins with your hos
Rajiv: gotta keep them in line
Rajiv: oh wait, I think I misread what you wrote
“Shows before hos”
– Anonymous, on balancing one’s comedy career and relationships
Sean and Omar Discuss Duke's (Predictable) Defeat
Omar: Duke's big man coach?
Omar: Wojciechowski!
Omar: Unreal.
Omar: Wojo teaching big men.
Sean: Oh my god
Sean: Was he Shelden's coach?
Sean: You know, say what you will about Shelden
Sean: But with his NBA career winding down
Sean: That was a clutch insemination of Candace Parker
Omar: Hahahahahhahaha
Sean: It really rivals Laettner against Kentucky
Start Growing Out That Mullet Now, Omar
Congratulations on getting into Wharton, Omar. I’m going to shop around for a high-quality Desean Jackson jersey for you to wear around Philly, then cover it in Cheez Whiz and boo you mercilessly. The only thing I ask in return is, when you run into M. Night Shyamamanalalaman around town, tell him that Lady In The Water sucked.
Aunt Agnes: Local Celebrity (from 3/08) →
In memory of Agnes Farrell (1916-2009)
You hear a lot of people bragging about being San Francisco natives, but my great-aunt Agnes put those people to shame. She lived in Noe Valley, in the same neighborhood, for 91 straight years, and played Bingo every Friday night at St. Paul’s for a good forty of those years. Her house has at least four different leftover “ARMY STREET”...
If Shaq is going to tweet at halftime...
…then I can blog 45 seconds before I go onstage.
Backstage at the Twilight Zone, Part 2
Pat: Look, this is just a story about me taking a shit. It’s not particularly funny.
(Story about taking a green shit the day after St. Patrick’s Day.)
Brad: You should have taken a picture and put it on Shwitter.
Backstage at the Twilight Zone, Live!
Stage Manager: We’re starting. Break a leg, everyone.
Actor 1: Break a leg.
Actor 2: Break a leg.
Me: Compound fractures all around, everybody.
Dick Vitale More Sexual During March Madness, Wife... →
“He’s especially aggressive this year because Duke has a legitimate chance at making the Final Four,” she added.
The Real Meaning of "March Mayhem"
From the California Penal Code, Section 203:
“Every person who unlawfully and maliciously deprives a human being of a member of his body, or disables, disfigures, or renders it useless, or cuts or disables the tongue, or puts out an eye, or slits the nose, ear, or lip, is guilty of mayhem.”
Bracket-busting is still only a misdemeanor in California.
Siesta Time Tourney Update
(10) Maryland defeats (7) California: Live by the three, die by the three is the lesson here. The other lesson is, zones can be tough to overcome when your primary ballhandler is the same height as Sean Keane. Great game from Maryland’s Greivis Vasquez, the “Venezuelan Sensation”, whose nickname is annoying because it doesn’t rhyme, but comes close enough to rhyming that...
Mid-Day Tourney Update
(8) LSU defeats (9) Butler: Trent Johnson’s team holds off a late rally by Butler, who starts three freshman and will terrify power conference opponents next season. Meanwhile, Marcus Thornton is prepared to terrify North Carolina next round. Could it be a huge day for former Stanford coaches? Let’s hope so.
(2) Memphis beats (15) CSU Northridge: When a 15 seed leads a two-seed...
First Look at the Tourney
(2) Memphis vs. (15) Cal State Northridge: Northridge is a surprise entrant into the tournament, after their leading scorer was arrested on felony theft charges, along with the coach’s son. Yes, Memphis actually drew a first-round opponent with a sketchier criminal record than them.
(8) BYU vs. (9) Texas A&M: Texas A&M is way ahead on points, but way behind in number of wives.
...
Scenes From Classic 80's Films, If Their Budgets... →
Ferris: Pardon my French, but Cameron is so tight that if you stuck a lump of coal up his ass, in two weeks you’d have a synthetic cubic zirconia.
The Great Leprechaun Hunt of 2009
interstate:
seankeane:
All they care about is gold, and later, snacks. Also, they say “leper-chaun”, subconsciously labeling their prisoner an outcast. Luckily, he doesn’t really exist.
When I read “leper-chaun”, I pronounced it “leper-s-h-a-w-n”. Sean, I think “leper-sean” would be a great Halloween costume for you. It works on 3+ levels?
What if I went as a “leper-chone”:...
The Great Leprechaun Hunt of 2009
This is the greatest day of preschool for my mom’s class of four-year-olds, because it’s the day of the elaborate Leprechaun Hunt. First. Mrs. Keane dispatches the kids to build a trap to catch any leprechauns that might be hanging around the craft table. Let’s be honest, it’s mostly the parents who are helping out that day, because I have seen these kids try to build...
Cage Takes Up Hang Gliding →
Of course Nicolas Cage is becoming a licensed hang gliding pilot. According to the article, “It’s probably one of the most beautiful things a man can do.”
(Sean In 60 Seconds, in just three days!)
“What have the Irish ever done for me besides blow things up?”
– Controversial response from my mom to my questions about why, as the editor of my elementary school’s PTA newsletter, she refused to include any seasonal clip art of shamrocks or leprechauns in the March issue. (via stuckonlou)
For Sean, forever ago.
thelongneckgiraffe:
National Treasure: Book of Sean
AdaptSean
SEAN mm
Captain Sean’s Mandolin
Sean Air
Sean At Heart
Seaning Arizona
also, see Sean in 60 seconds
“AdaptaSean” was almost the name for the show. Also under consideration:
NaSeanal Treasure (too close to “Ma$e’s Anal Treasure”)
Seankok Dangerous (dirty; also inaccurate)
Seannymoon in Vegas (implies...
Animal Tales, by Simon Rich →
DALMATIANS
“Hey, look, the truck’s stopping.”
“Did they take us to the park this time?”
“No—it’s a fire. Another horrible fire.”
“What the hell is wrong with these people?”