September 2009
87 posts
Completely Over It Narnian (AKA, what happens when...
Justin: why do you hate twitter so much? show me on the doll where twitter hurt you
me: I just think it's completely stupid
Justin: i love how much you hate twitter. i think it genuinely enrages you.
me: It has no redeeming or useful qualities. what enrages me is reading the news, and seeing tweets used as sources and quotes
Justin: well that's not going away
me: nope. and it says something really bad about society
Justin: thankfully, we're on the 2012 death spiral
me: here's hoping
Justin: what is the world ended tomorrow? not like blew up, but what if like, all technology stopped working. what would you do? would you make your way back to kentucky or just tough it out there?
me: make my way back to Kentucky? am i a character from The Postman?
Justin: yeah, that's what i mean
me: If I'm a Postman character, hopefully I'll stumble upon a makeshift village led by Tom Petty
Justin: like a guy, trying to be tom petty? that's my last priority when the world ends. well, no more phones. who wants to hear learning to fly?
me: well, he is the leader of a town in The Postman, and they seemed to be doing ok
Justin: wait, tom petty, or a guy trying to be tom petty
me: tom petty
Justin: like is he actually tom petty, or is it tom petty playing a dude? i'm so confused. is he tom petty? like...playing tom petty?
me: That's the brilliance of Costner. in The Postman, though they don't say he's really the singer Tom Petty, Tom Petty plays the leader of a town, and Kevin Costner says 'hey I know you. You're faus.' And Tom Petty days 'Yeah. A little. Once.' And stoner giggles.
Justin: faus? you mean famous?
me: wow, i did indeed mean famous. I think a faus is a Narnian creature
5 minutes go by.
me: i think it makes pastries. or tampons. one of the two.
me: there are creatures that do both. and I get them confused all the time.
me: and that's why I'm no good for Narnia. the kids were expecting apple turnovers and I led them to a big ol' hut full of tampons
me: no wonder it's still winter here with me in charge of taking these kids places. poor kids starved to death
me: I don't know why Aslan even keeps letting me be a guide. stupid fucking lion doesn't know what he's on about
15 minutes go by.
me: Aslan. What a d-bag. "if a son of adam or daughter of eve approaches this lamp post, you are to guide them to me. and if they are hungry, lead them to a fwauz so that they might feast on pastries!" what a jackass. Why am I even here? I can't do this job.
me: you know what? I'm not gonna feel guilty about it anymore. It's not like I hired me.
me: who puts a creature called a faus and a fwauz in Narnia, and has one make pastries and one tampons? who even needs a fucking tampon in Narnia? I'm pretty sure the white witch hit menopause like 200 years ago.
me: i'm just sick of being blamed for other people's management issues. i'm not seeing extra dollars just cause the curse of eternal winter ends, you know?
me: and don't even give me the whole 'for Narnia!' schpiel because I'm sick of it, quite frankly.
Another five minutes pass
me: i don't even mind the winter that much. and I hear the Witch at least offers every other Friday as a half day. I mean, i could work for the White Witch. seems straight forward enough. I mean, one season a year! how much more straight forward can you get?
me: plus, she delegates responsibility well. you can tell, different people running different divisions, like those wolves. and they're actually suited to their jobs.
me: smooth operation over there, and you only run that smooth if you delegate a little responsibility.
me: I mean, I doubt she's worrying about every little Turkish Delight. meanwhile you can see the affects of Aslan micromanaging every god damn thing. when was the last time anyone had a victory around here without him coming in to clean up?
me: they can't even fix the copier without the guy, you know? when she killed him on that stone table I was like 'well there we go, no more office supplies'
me: because I'll be fucked if that fucking centaur Niles has the self esteem to order a stapler without getting Aslan to show up and play a trumpet first.
10 more minutes pass
me: god, listen to me go on. kid, are you cold? you look like you're freezing. should have gotten a coat out of that wardrobe. you hungry? want some pastries or something? that's my job you know, making sure sons of adam don't starve during their trip to see Aslan
me: there's a little community of Faus nearby, and I'm pretty sure they make pastries. if you're tired, just ride in my pouch.
me: yeah, sorry. it's gross in there. i'm a talking animal, you know? at least it's warm, and you don't look so good.
me: Look kid, just deal with the pouch. I'm not even supposed to be here today. I'm covering Ted Beaver's shift. His kid got killed by wolves or some shit.
me: Kid?
me: hey, kid. seriously, say something.
me: FML.
(I miss Jay. And also Justin, but at least he's on Twitter.)
Moment of Serendipity
Woman reading newspaper story, “MUNI Sees No Evil,” as we sit stopped behind a disabled car for fifteen minutes.
NFLOL: Week 3 Recap →
sportscentr:
My Week 3 recap is up at the Rooftop Comedy blog. An excerpt:
Philadelphia Eagles 34, Kansas City Chiefs 14
Amid protests, Michael Vick made his return to the NFL. A PETA spokesman said that it was cruel and unfair to pit the helpless Kansas City players against far superior NFL squads for the “amusement” and monetary gain of spectators and gamblers. Chiefs coach Todd Haley...
More From the Warren G Q&A →
I don’t know if you get this a lot, but when white people over a certain age hear the name Warren G, their first reaction is usually “Do you mean Warren G. Harding?” I assume there’s no connection.
Naw, man! That’s absurd. I’m Warren Griffith the Third. I ain’t named after nobody named Harding.
So you’re never like, “I wanna give a shout-out to the Budget and Accounting Act of 1921, bitches!”
...
Homework!
tomoatmeal:
“Oh, and before you leave I have one more assignment,” I said to the class.
Naturally, this news was met with audible disgust from my students.
“The assignment…is to have a great weekend!” I said, smiling now as the groans quickly transformed into a wave of cheers. “Now get out of here!”
For the most part, all of my students did particularly well on that assignment and were...
“I think America should just back up outta them people’s business. I understand...”
– -Warren G, via NYMag
It makes sense. When Nate Dogg rescued Warren from the gat-wielding dice players who were taking Warren’s wealth, he didn’t subsequently occupy the corner of 21 and Lewis for five years! He and Warren pulled out, and went to the East Side Motel with some horny...
Pitches for other Dr. Dre Dr Pepper commercials →
* * *
Snoop and Dre are at an outdoor barbecue in Compton. G-Funk music plays, we see ribs on the grill, and Snoop opens a large refrigerator to reveal that it’s full of frosty 40-ounce bottles of Dr. Pepper. Also, Warren G is there playing volleyball. He undoes this girl’s top, and then Snoop and Dre blast her with bottles of Dr. Pepper. At first she’s mad, but then some of the...
NFLOL: Sean Keane Recaps the NFL →
My new weekly football column for the Rooftop Comedy Blog. Excerpt:
Arizona Cardinals 31, Jacksonville Jaguars 17
Jacksonville’s leading rusher was Maurice Jones-Drew, and their leading receiver was Mike Sims-Walker. This tells me that the team needs to recruit some playmakers who were raised by both parents. The Jags were so bad in the first half that Jacksonville native Fred Durst ...
The Most Exciting Text Message I Have Received...
5:38 PM: “Some Juggalos just hopped on my bus!”
(Text from Julien)
maxsilvestri:
joemande:
As I’m sure you are...
That's MISTER Doubtfire to you
Robin Williams got an award at Comedy Day today.
Length of his acceptance speech: 2.5 minutes.
Percentage of speech delivered in a Chinese accent: 60.
12:23 AM, NPR
“Tomorrow, Garrison Keillor sings and reads from his new collection of erotic sonnets.”
THIS IS WHY THEY HATE US.
New term I (think I) just made up: Statuatory...
bestiesonice:
Definition: when someone tries to force you to karaoke against your own will.
Follow-up term I did not make up:
“Scaraoke” - When you enter a song for someone else, and don’t tell them what it is, so they learn what song they’re doing until they get up on stage.
My proposed chimichanga restaurant →
It has long been my dream to open a chimichanga-only restaurant. Not just a restaurant that specializes in chimichangas, but an all-chimichanga, all-the-time kind of establishment. I’d call it the “Chimnasium.”
…
Lady Chimichangaga: Bizarre in appearance - some might say a little gross - but this item inexplicably enjoys massive popularity.
Chimi Crack Corn: The burrito...
Astro Boy Gets Hollywood Blockbuster/ Cage... →
Even Nicolas Cage, who voices scientist Dr. Tenma, was a stickler for accuracy. “The first time we met, Cage went into incredible detail about the ’60s version, including the very specific sound Astro’s feet make when he walks,” Bowers says. “So we went to the Tezuka archive and found the sound effect, and we use it a little bit in our movie as an homage.”
Some...
“I call upon the theoreticians of cinema to go after this one. Go for it, losers.”
– Werner Herzog, on Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans
Untimely Thoughts on Chris Brown and Viral Video
When that funny-dacing-at-the-wedding video was blowing up in July, so were Chris Brown’s sales on iTunes. Six months after he beat up Rihanna, and America’s online music buying public had forgiven him. Chris Brown, he’s clearly terrible, but I had a little more faith in America. I wonder what was going through people’s heads when they decided to buy the song:
Look at...
Discount Tickets for Keane/Durst →
I’m in exotic Sunnyvale, Ca this weekend, opening for the legendary Will Durst. If you’re in the Silicon Valley, a fan of Keane or Durst, but you’re kind of a cheapskate, the above link gets you five-dollar tickets to the Friday or Saturday shows. With the money you save, treat yourself to a delicious Rooster Juice.
Too Soon? →
Overheard at Pleasant Hill BART.
First BART cop: “I swear to God, I almost shot this guy. I mean, I literally almost pulled the trigger. Wanted to.”
Second BART cop, laughing: “I hear you, man. Yeah.”
(Reporting via Carthage)
I can officially cross "Get serenaded onstage by...
bestiesonice:
<3
Bubblegum, bubblegum, in a dish…how many muthafuckin pieces do you wish?
(Get Brent’s new album here!)
Re: Looking up baseball stats on an iPhone
If you are away from your computer, but are still compulsively checking baseball scores in hopes that the Giants will miraculously come back in the wild-card race, this tip is for you. Say you notice that the team’s shortstop has three RBIs, part of an unexpectedly strong offensive season. Say you become curious about how many RBIs he has this season. Check your spelling! Check it...
WatchI like to think that Farley and Swayze are having a dance-off tonight in heaven.
Watchcaseydonahue:
I love this one, one of my favorites. Well done guys!
dangurewitch:
Stormtroopers’ 9/11. The Twin Towers and the Death Star, not so different after all. Where were you when the super-weapon fell? Written by me and Sam, directed by Sam, shot (and with a charming Jedi bartender cameo) by Vinnie. If you love America/the Rebel Alliance, you can digg it here.
Tremendous.
2:28 am
Brooklyn-bound L train. Mob scene. And I’m going to what is officially Queens. In the words of John Turturro in “Desperately Seeking Susan”, “You’re from Queens? I’m from normal parents myself.”. Turturro’s character was a heteronormative son of a bitch.
“I’ve never motorboated anyone’s balls. I just peed on my pants a...”
– Overheard at the 11th Street Bar
Lessons From the Met
Medieval people were dicks! Examples:
Armor for horses. They would stab horses in the god-damn face, apparently. Not cool, 15th-16th century medieval dudes.
Crotch chain mail. 400 years of armor history, and the whole time, a knight had to worry about being stabbed in the junk.
Horse crotch chain mail: Seriously, medieval crusaders? Let’s tone it down, OK? The horses have no stake...
Meet the Met
Things I liked at the Met:
Art from Oceania, arms and armor, sarcasm.
Things my girl liked at the Met:
Anatolian art, gold jewelry, feelings.