February 2010
32 posts
“Is he gonna fuck that space-horse?”
– Two of the four of us, while watching “Avatar” today
January 2010
48 posts
Man caught at airport with 44 lizards in pants →
The shocking thing about this story is that the lizard-pantsed man was not Nicolas Cage.
“I’d love to be a rockabilly singer for a year. I’d like to travel...”
– Conan O’Brien, asked by James Lipton what other profession he’d like to attempt.
“When Letterman really wanted ‘The Tonight Show’ I didn’t...”
– Louis C.K., summing things up nicely
“It’s a tricky situation. This is a terrible position NBC is in. But...”
– Jay Leno - December 23, 1992
“I am disappointed. I feel like a guy who has bought a car from somebody, painted...”
– Jay Leno - December 23, 1992
Interview: The Minds Behind SF Sketchfest →
I interviewed the founders of SF Sketchfest for Rooftop Comedy. Those guys are a bunch of smartasses! (Also, come see The Business as part of Sketchfest next Thursday, at 8 PM).
Here’s an excerpt:
There’s a lot of sketch acts and comedians from both New York and LA. Are you worried that an East Coast-West Coast feud might develop?
Yes, we recognize that this is a very real threat....
Two Gentlemen of Lebowski →
jaystarr:
The Big Lebowski written in the style of Shakespeare…really, really well. This is completely brilliant.
WALTER In sooth, then, faithful friend, this was a rug of value? Thou wouldst call it not a rug among ordinary rugs, but a rug of purpose? A star in a firmament, in step with the fashion alike to the Whitsun morris-dance? A worthy rug, a rug of consequence, sir?
THE KNAVE It was of...
NFLOL - Wild Card Round →
My NFL column has advanced to the playoffs, thanks to a strength-of-obscure-references tiebreaker. This week, learn why Bill Belichick’s uninspiring headwear hurt the Patriots’ chances, and what the 2010 Jets have in common with the 2007 Golden State Warriors (and King Lear). An excerpt:
Arizona 51, Green Bay 45
There’s a Simpsons episode where Homer skips church to watch football,...
2 tags
The main thing that makes me doubt McGwire's...
sportscentr:
His whole “confession” strategy has been designed by none other than former George W. Bush press secretary Ari Fleischer. I bet Fleischer coached him on how to cry in his Bob Costas interview.
Here are some ideas that Ari Fleischer has helped push, over the years:
Saddam Hussein was behind the 9/11 attacks.
Iraq had weapons of mass destruction, both biological and chemical,...
“It’s stunning how Jay Leno outfoxed you again.”
– Norm MacDonald to Conan O’Brien, February 2009
“Carson Daly is like the Pluto of talk shows. Is it really a show? Is it a...”
– David Letterman, agreeing with this brilliant girl about Carson Daly
Depressing phrase from my accounting textbook
“We will now illustrate the use of these steps in our continuing Papa John’s illustration.”
WatchLaw & Order: Special Leno Victims Unit.
"letting go", A poem by Rosie O'Donnell →
it was before i had kids it was when i was playing rizzo touring GREASE before its broadway run Branden Tartikoff came back stage asked me to do fridays for leno like joan did leno was on having taken over from johnny ratings were not good at first a bus a glorious beautiful amazing american bus we all have been on it only one gets to drive it steve allen jack parr johnny...
“In 2009, I’ll be 59 years old and will have had this dream job for 17...”
– Jay Leno, September 27, 2004
“So it has come to this: I cannot express in words how much I enjoy hosting this...”
– Conan O’Brien
Conan O’Brien Says He Won’t Do ‘Tonight Show’ Following Leno - Media Decoder Blog - NYTimes.com
(via skeetonmischa)
Team Conan.
“You almost want to take [Leno] aside and ask him: Why do you want this so badly?...”
– Patton Oswalt (via monkeydisaster) (via goldenfiddle)
WatchKenan Thompson and Charles Barkley try to scare some trespassing kids straight, in my favorite SNL sketch of the year. This may be Kenan’s “living in a van down by the river.”
“You’re not gonna be an agent. You’re going to have a gent - up your butt.”
“‘No Pull-Ups.’
‘Niiice.’”
– The closing lines from 2012: The Year President Danny Glover Makes Contact With a Flying Aircraft Carrier
My Trip to the Notary
I have to get a document notarized today, because the State Department doesn’t trust my birth certificate, and Los Angeles County needs me to verify my identity before they’ll send me a new one. I can’t renew my passport until the new birth certificate arrives, or possible the birth certification. While I maintain that I was born in Panorama City, various people are threatening...
1 tag
Good News/ Bad News
sportscentr:
Good news for Alabama fans: They’re thirty minutes away from a national championship!
Bad news for Alabama fans: The President is still black.
You’re still batting .500, racist Tide fans!
NFLOL: Week 17 →
My last weekly recap of regular-season NFL action has dropped. An excerpt:
Pittsburgh 30, Miami 24
While they finished only 7-9, the Dolphins continued their season of roller coaster performances, coming back 17 down in the 4th quarter to get within a field goal before running out of gas. They were the anti-Browns, playing exciting football, running trick plays, and neither bad nor good enough...
Why is there a mall Easter Bunny? What does he...
Little Boy: Hello, Easter Bunny.
Easter Bunny: Happy Easter.
Little Boy: Happy Easter.
Easter Bunny: …Something else on your mind?
Little Boy: Don’t you want to know what I want for Easter?
Easter Bunny: Is it a cheap pastel basket with some fake grass and a few boxes of Nerds in it?
Little Boy: No, I want a-
Easter Bunny: NEXT!
Nic Cage as Everyone →
jaystarr:
New favorite website.
On a related note: Me as Nic Cage (courtesy Emily Heller)
NFLOL Week 16 →
Prepare for the final week of NFL action by reading a snarky recap of last week’s games! An excerpt:
Green Bay 48, Seattle 10
Ever since Mike Holmgren left Brett Favre and Green Bay for Seattle, the Packers have mostly owned the Seahawks. It’s as if George Martin had left the Beatles and formed a new band, taking with him Pete Best and Stu Sutcliffe. And then, every few years, the new...