[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]
“Love Is Like A Bottle Of Gin,” Magnetic Fields
Sean Keane Comedy
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Tuesday, January 17th 2012
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4:52pm|reblogged from Clare "In the Midst of an Identity Crisis" O'Kane:
In honor of Stephin Merritt’s birthday today, here’s a collection of screen shots of his chihuahua, compiled by Clare O’Kane. The chihuahua’s name is Irving, not Fido, and he appears to be leashed rarely if at all.
Just finished watching the documentary Strange Powers: Stephin Merritt and The Magnetic Fields. For some reason I felt inclined to take screen shots of whenever Stephin Merritt’s chihuahua was on the screen. Now, for your viewing pleasure, a series of screen shots featuring Stephin Merritt’s chihuahua. YOU’RE WELCOME!
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Friday, January 13th 2012
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Rules for the New San Francisco Football Fan
The 49ers are set to play the New Orleans Saints tomorrow in their first playoff game since 2003. Many San Franciscans haven’t cared much for football in the interim, since the team has been terrible, Sunday is a great day for farmers markets, and January is only eight months away from Burning Man and you can never make too many dreamcatchers in advance. So for those who will be watching their first NFL action in years, or just those of you who want a jump start on your Super Bowl viewing, here’s a primer to the strange and beautiful rules that govern American Football, which as of last Sunday is officially Jesus Christ’s favorite sport.
Yards: OK, first of all, football is still measured in yards, because the metric system is for the Canadian Football League. And communist queers. The field is 100 yards, and each team must advance the ball ten yards (that’s 9.14 meters, comrade!) within four plays, or they forfeit the ball. If they advance the ten yards successfully, they get a new set of four downs, which is indicated by the phrase “first down.” And, yes, after the very first time that happens, it’s not really “first” anymore. WE GET IT. Usually teams will punt or kick a field goal on fourth down.
Points: A touchdown is worth six points. After a touchdown, a team can kick a 20-yard (18.29 meters, Vladimir!) field goal, and get a bonus point OR they can try to get the ball into the end zone from the same distance, for two points. This second strategy is generally reserved for teams who are confident and/or desperate, and is called a “two-point conversion.” That is also what it’s called if you can get a relatively small deer to join your evangelical church. Tim Tebow is excellent at both types.
A field goal is worth three points. That happens when a former college All-American soccer player/European immigrant who’s one hundred pounds lighter than his lightest teammate jogs into the field and attempts to kick the ball through some narrow posts behind the end zone. Afterward, he is a hero or a total pussy.
False start: Offensive linemen have to stand perfectly still before the ball is snapped. They just do, OK. Think of it as their version of corpse pose, OK, San Francisco? If they happen to move, the play is over, and the offense has to move back five yards. A little-known corollary to the rule states that TV networks must immediately cut to the offensive team’s coach, shaking his head and looking disappointed.
The 49ers often try to trick the defense by shifting at the last minute, which looks like a false start, but it’s actually not. Except the refs sometimes call it a false start anyway. Hey, does anyone here know the rules? (No.)
Offensive holding: This happens when an offensive player grabs a defensive player by his jersey, to keep him from tackling his teammate. It’s a ten-yard penalty. This is a good penalty for people to complain about during commercials, after the game, or in some cases, five years later (see: Seattle fans, Super Bowl XL). Mission District take note: Just because a player is flagged for holding, that does not necessarily mean he has cocaine.
Defensive holding: This happens when a defensive player grabs a receiver to keep him from running out to catch a pass. It’s a five-yard penalty and an automatic first down. “Hey,” you might protest. “Offensive holding is five yards worse than defensive holding. That’s an unfair double standard!” Look, sometimes I want to put on a pretty skirt and wave pom-poms at football players, but the world is full of unfair double standards. It’s called the grass ceiling. Get used to it!
Illegal touching: Yes, this is a real penalty. Feel free to snicker. It means you went out of bounds, and then were the first person to touch a punt or pass. Because a punt or pass is not capable of giving consent.
Hair pulling: Amazingly, this is totally legal! Those guys with hair extending past the end of their helmets? It’s totally legal to drag them down by that hair. In fact, that’s encouraged! This is a game of savages.
Breaking the plane: If a guy is trying to score, he only has to get any part of the ball across the invisible plane of the goal line, even if the ball is mostly out of bounds. Yes, this is a real rule. Officially, that goal line extends above the field, and all the way up into space, and around the globe indefinitely. Is this some weird TRON bullshit? Yes it is.
Instant replay: If a coach thinks the referee got a play wrong, he can challenge the ruling and make the referee watch a replay of the disputed play. The NFL makes a coach throw a red handkerchief on the field in these situations, which is also how a fop would demand a duel in the 1700s. When there’s an instant replay challenge, that’s a good time to ask questions about football rules, go get a snack, make a phone call, or decide that professional football is irredeemably stupid.
Two feet in bounds: To catch a ball legally, a receiver must land with two feet inside the field - he can’t step on the white out-of-bounds line. These are actual human feet, not the unit of measurement. For these purposes, a knee or a dragging toe counts as a “foot,” though not to New York Jets coach Rex Ryan. (Google it!) You will be able to see this particular rule debated at length during many slow-motion instant replay challenges and it will be boring every time.
Pass interference: This is the closest equivalent to cock-blocking the rules of football. When there’s a pass to a receiver, the defender cannot tackle him, push him, trip him, breathe on him, curse at him, or invisibly hex him, or else the offensive team gets the ball at that spot. Also, whenever a pass falls incomplete for any reason, the receiver will jump up and demand a flag, every time. Like the boy who cried wolf, but not as mature.
Fair catch: On a kickoff or a punt, the player catching the ball can wave a hand, surrender-style, and call for a fair catch. That means that he agrees not to run with the ball, and no defenders are allowed to hit him. It is a fair catch in that it is equitable, but also fair in that it is refined and elegant, like an Eliza Doolittle sentence.
Personal foul: . This refers to players who are out of bounds, quarterbacks after they have thrown the ball, quarterbacks…pretty much any time, defenseless receivers, people who have called a fair catch, anthem singer Huey Lewis, any and all members of The News, mascots, referees, and Saints coach Sean Payton, who already broke one leg on the sidelines this year. Fifteen yards.
Intentional grounding: When a quarterback throws the ball away to avoid a sack, and there’s no chance any of his teammates will catch it. It’s a ten-yard penalty and loss of down, which is also how you punish a disobedient gosling. This penalty is not to be confused with my new improv group, the Indomitable Groundlings.
Face mask: You can’t grab a guy’s face mask or it costs you fifteen yards. There used to be a difference between 15-yard and 5-yard face mask penalties, until the NFL realized that was just encouraging players to grab each other’s face masks. Kind of like Ben Roethlisberger and sexual assault, actually.
Illegal hands to the face: Somehow, a different penalty than that last one. Jim Harbaugh might draw a flag for this on his postgame handshake.
FOX Announcer Joe Buck: Is the worst, forever and ever. Take heart, 49ers fans! He will be in Green Bay this weekend. The only consolation for a loss this weekend is that Joe Buck won’t be able to announce another 49er game until September at the earliest. Instead you get defensive lineman-turned-sideline reporter Tony “The Goose” Siragusa, who you might remember from his performance in “The 25th Hour,” where he did the worst Russian accent of all time. He will wander around the sidelines, and even into the field of play, and he will never, ever stop talking. Trust me, watch this one in a loud bar, fans.
Excessive Celebration: What will ensue all over the city, particularly in North Beach and the Mission, should the 49ers pull off the upset. In the NFL, this is a fifteen-yard penalty. In San Francisco, it’s a fifteen-hour hangover and a citation for public urination. Just kidding, that’s not actually illegal in San Francisco. Pee wherever you want, Forty Niner Faithful! Gold’s one of the team colors for a reason!
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Wednesday, January 11th 2012
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“Cancer” by Women Comedy. This is an excellent way to spend eighteen seconds of your day, or if you’re like me, a full 1:12, because I watched this four times in a row.
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Saturday, January 7th 2012
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5:59pm|reblogged from NFL Off-Season:Behind The Inside Of The Numbers: Detroit at New Orleans
Another in depth football preview, via nfloffseason
Detroit leaves their dome for less friendlier indoor confines in New Orleans in a matchup of two 5,000-yard passers. How do we decide between such high-powered offenses? Time to go Behind The Inside Of The Numbers!
Worst failure by trusted leadership
New Orleans: President Bush was president of the United States from 2001-2008. In 2005, Bush stayed on vacation while Hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans, the levees broke, and flooding devastated the city of New Orleans. Later, while relief efforts broke down, he claimed his beleaguered FEMA head was doing a “heckuva job.”
Detroit: Matt Millen was team president of the Lions from 2001-2008.
ADVANTAGE: Detroit. At least President Bush didn’t draft a wide receiver in the first round three years in a row.
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2:00pm|reblogged from NFL Off-Season:Behind The Inside Of The Numbers: Cincinnati at Houston
I’m writing some playoff previews for NFL Off-Season, and for the sports-averse, they contain virtually no analysis, though they do discuss the academic backgrounds of the team mascots. First up is Cincinnati at Houston.
Today, Cincinnati visits Houston in the Texans’ first playoff game ever, which means David Carr can finally cut his hair. Houston is a four-point favorite, meaning that that the Gamblo-American community (TM Scribbly Tate) thinks the teams are virtually even on a neutral field. How do we separate such close teams? Let’s look Behind The Inside Of The Numbers!
Quarterback Names
If your name is “T. J. Yates,” you have no choice to become an NFL quarterback, a NASCAR driver, or a bootlegger. “Andy Dalton” sounds like an investment banker or someone’s high school boyfriend. Cincinnati would be better off if he was “Andrew Dalton” or even “Drew Dalton,” but T. J. Yates is really tough to beat.
ADVANTAGE: Houston
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Friday, January 6th 2012
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7:17pm|reblogged from Joey Devine: Heartthrob/Comedian:
“Good afternoon, Mr. Huxtable. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to create a choreographed, lip-synced musical number set to a Ray Charles song, using only the furniture in your home and the members of your immediate family. If your jazz musician grandfather is not moved to tears by the performance, or if Cockroach infiltrates Theo’s bedroom, NBC will disavow any knowledge of you and your family. Your medical license will be revoked, you will be banned from entering Hillman College or Sandra and Elvin’s wilderness store, and you can take nothing with you but a Gordon Gartrell shirt. This message will self-destruct in ten seconds. Actually, your neighbor Peter will destroy this message using your new juicer in ten seconds, even though you’ve repeatedly warned him and Rudy not to touch it.”
(Source: mattjames)
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Thursday, January 5th 2012
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My Favorite New York Times Correction of the Year
Correction: January 4, 2012
An earlier version of this article misspelled part of the title of a segment of “The Daily Show” that featured Colbert. It was “Even Stevphen,” not “Stephven.”
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Friday, December 16th 2011
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Childhood Jokes Rewritten as Editorial Commentary on American War Criminals
This is a thing I wrote in college when I was reading a lot of Christopher Hitchens essays and feeling angry at the world and smarter than everyone else in a way that only a 21-year-old can be. I was cribbing most of these Kissinger slams from him, so I let Hitchens share the byline.
* * *
Two traveling salesmen and Henry Kissinger are walking down the road. It’s getting dark, so they stop at a farmhouse. They go up to the door and ask the farmer if they can stay the night. He says yes, but they have to sleep in the barn, and they aren’t allowed to touch his daughters, or undermine socialist governments in South America.
So they go to sleep, and during the night, the farmer’s three daughters sneak into the barn, and the travelers can’t resist, even Kissinger, though he also sneaks into the house and makes a long-distance call to a Chilean general in the middle of things. The farmer bursts in with a shotgun and catches them with the girls, and immediately marches them out to his field.
When they get out there, the farmer orders them to go out and pick ten of their favorite fruit. The two salesmen come back, carrying grapes and plums. The farmer tells them, “Now shove them up your ass.” The guys try, but they keep looking out at the field and cracking up, and the fruit falls out.
They get as many as nine, but are overcome with laughter.
The farmer looks at them and says, “Look, you’re free to go once you get all ten up there. You were so close. What is so god-damn funny?”
The first salesman says, “Kissinger’s picking watermelons!”
And the second says, “And ordering the assassination of Salvador Allende!”
* * *
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
The illegal secret bombing of Cambodia.
The illegal secret bombing of Cambodia who?
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
The illegal secret bombing of Cambodia.
The illegal secret bombing of Cambodia who?
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad Henry Kissinger never had to face charges for the illegal secret bombing of Cambodia?!?
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A salesman knocked on the door of Little Johnny Kissinger’s house in December of 1975. Little Johnny answered the door.
“Johnny, is your father, Henry Kissinger, there?” he asked.
“He ain’t home. He be out with President Suharto, approving Indonesia’s invasion of East Timor, even though the military action be illegal and Indonesia be using U.S.-supplied military equipment.” Johnny replied.
“‘He be out’? ‘Indonesia be using’? Johnny, where’s your grammar?”
“She ain’t home either.”
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Wednesday, December 14th 2011
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My Vans Sponsorship Packet
Please support Dave Ross in his efforts to obtain sponsorship from Vans, so that he can go on the Warped Tour and achieve his lifelong dream of meeting Less Than Jake.
I can’t think of anything more hilarious than being sponsored by Vans as a comedian. And thus, I faxed them a packet, and I will continue to fax them this packet and tweet at them until they realize what a genius I am and what a genius idea this is.
And before I get called a corporate whore or whatever, don’t fret, there’s no way I’d ever skew my material toward Vans-centric topics or toss Vans references into sketches, but the clothes I wear? Oh fuck yeah. I don’t give a shit. Slap a sticker on my face if it means I can say I’m sponsored by a skate company. Step two: Monster Energy Drink.
