This is a thing I wrote in college when I was reading a lot of Christopher Hitchens essays and feeling angry at the world and smarter than everyone else in a way that only a 21-year-old can be. I was cribbing most of these Kissinger slams from him, so I let Hitchens share the byline.
* * *
Two traveling salesmen and Henry Kissinger are walking down the road. It’s getting dark, so they stop at a farmhouse. They go up to the door and ask the farmer if they can stay the night. He says yes, but they have to sleep in the barn, and they aren’t allowed to touch his daughters, or undermine socialist governments in South America.
So they go to sleep, and during the night, the farmer’s three daughters sneak into the barn, and the travelers can’t resist, even Kissinger, though he also sneaks into the house and makes a long-distance call to a Chilean general in the middle of things. The farmer bursts in with a shotgun and catches them with the girls, and immediately marches them out to his field.
When they get out there, the farmer orders them to go out and pick ten of their favorite fruit. The two salesmen come back, carrying grapes and plums. The farmer tells them, “Now shove them up your ass.” The guys try, but they keep looking out at the field and cracking up, and the fruit falls out.
They get as many as nine, but are overcome with laughter.
The farmer looks at them and says, “Look, you’re free to go once you get all ten up there. You were so close. What is so god-damn funny?”
The first salesman says, “Kissinger’s picking watermelons!”
And the second says, “And ordering the assassination of Salvador Allende!”
* * *
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
The illegal secret bombing of Cambodia.
The illegal secret bombing of Cambodia who?
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
The illegal secret bombing of Cambodia.
The illegal secret bombing of Cambodia who?
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad Henry Kissinger never had to face charges for the illegal secret bombing of Cambodia?!?
* * *
A salesman knocked on the door of Little Johnny Kissinger’s house in December of 1975. Little Johnny answered the door.
“Johnny, is your father, Henry Kissinger, there?” he asked.
“He ain’t home. He be out with President Suharto, approving Indonesia’s invasion of East Timor, even though the military action be illegal and Indonesia be using U.S.-supplied military equipment.” Johnny replied.
“‘He be out’? ‘Indonesia be using’? Johnny, where’s your grammar?”
“She ain’t home either.”
