Shout out to devastated teen Herbie Pulgar.
Sean Keane Comedy
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Saturday, February 11th 2012
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Thursday, February 9th 2012
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Kyle Kinane tells a heartwarming story about bunnies in love. I’m not sure that there’s comedian who makes me laugh as hard as Kyle Kinane does on a regular basis. In fact, I’d even say “guffaw,” because it’s often the kind of laugh where you spit a little bit, and then you’re coughing a little bit, and meanwhile Kinane is making you think about your grocery shopping experience in a completely new way.
Kyle has crashed at my apartment once, at a night where we already had two people sleeping on couches. So all we could offer Kyle to sleep on was a fluffy rug that looked like a polar bear pelt, and then for covers, a weird blanket that had a bunch of deer printed on it. And you know, it looked sort of perfect. I wish we’d had a Don’t Tread On Me flag pillowcase, but otherwise we really couldn’t have done better.
He’ll be at The Business LA tomorrow night, along with Louis Katz and the rest of the Businessmen. Nerdist Theater at Meltdown Comics, 8:00, eight bucks in advance, no service charge.
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Wednesday, February 8th 2012
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I first met Louis Katz at one of the early Heuristic Squelch comedy shows at UC Berkeley. We had an open mic directly after the regular show, and I think Louis was the only non-Squelch staffer to get up. Even then, he was very self-assured on stage and also fairly dirty, though not as down n’ dirty as he’d later become. He talked about how attending public school gives you the ability to hold your shit in indefinitely, and how his balls were so smelly he could get high off their scent.
It was years before I started doing stand-up for real, and by then Louis was well on his way to Los Angeles, New York, and Comedy Central stardom. Along the way, I saw him rap in Portuguese, scrap with ruffians outside Cancun Taqueria, and just get really fantastic at comedy. We’ve spent a lot of claustrophobic hours together on an elevator to space, but this Friday night, he joins The Business LA lineup (along with Kyle Kinane) at Meltdown Comics in Hollywood. I’m excited to see Louis’ new stuff, but I still have zero interest in smelling his balls.
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Monday, February 6th 2012
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Katy Perry wore a dual Patriots-Giants jersey at the Super Bowl pregame today. So as not to alienate any fans, she hedged her bets an supported both teams, To paraphrase Michael Jordan, “Football fans buy Katy Perry records, too.” In some cases, a split jersey reflects genuinely split loyalties, like Brady Quinn’s sister at the Fiesta Bowl.
This was a common sight in the Bay Area during the 80’s, especially during the Bay Bridge Series in 1989. The split cap was omnipresent, whether it was front-running Giants fans catching Bash Brothers fever, or A’s fans trying to avoid shankings in the post-earthquake Candlestick parking lot. Putting on the SF/OAK hat was embarrassing, but the split SF/OAK jersey was far, far worse. Wearing the split jersey says, “I just spent over a hundred dollars to tell the world I’m indecisive.” It’s like putting a bumper sticker on your car that just says, “ABORTION.” You’re not picking a side, but you’re aware that there is a difference of opinion.
In a related story, here’s a clip of me discussing the Bay Area baseball fan experience:
(HT: radiofreetobin)
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Sunday, February 5th 2012
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3:35pm|reblogged from NFL Off-Season:Who are the politicians rooting for?
As we get closer and closer to kickoff, one question remains: Who are our nation’s finest politicians supporting? Our exhaustive research gives the big answer.
Barack Obama: New England Patriots. Normally, an incumbent president during an election year, wouldn’t risk alienating one fan base by choosing sides. However, Obama is from Chicago, and on record as a passionate fan of the Bears. He can’t in good conscience pick the New York Giants, unless he wants a 20-minute profanity-laden phone tirade from Rahm Emanuel.
Newt Gingrich: New England Patriots. Like Gingrich, Coach Bill Belichick is an unconventional, out-of-the-box thinker. Newt wants to go start a colony on the moon, Belichick is willing to play a wide receiver at defensive back for years. Would you be surprised if Bill Belichick already had a base on the moon, solely devoted to training linebackers and tight ends?
Both men have a history of adultery. Not only that, but Newt left his wife for a younger woman when she had cancer; Belichick abandoned Drew Bledsoe for a younger QB when Mo Lewis ruptured Bledsoe’s spleen. Gingrich has to decide if he can cheer for New England while also demanding that Aaron Hernandez be deported.
Rick Santorum: New York Giants. The Giants played well on a very sloppy field in the NFC Championship game. It was muddy, the field was slippery, and when the rain hit, the field almost seemed…frothy. Also, Eli Manning might be the best QB in the league in terms of coming from behind. If that doesn’t say “santorum,” then I don’t know what does.
Mitt Romney: New England Patriots. He’s the former governor of Massachusetts, so this is a slam dunk. The Patriots have a very poor pass defense, but Romney doesn’t care about the very poor. Romney knows what it’s like to lose to a clearly inferior opponent and then wait four long years to get another shot. He’s also promised to repeal ObamaCare AND Bill Belichick’s fine for SpyGate.
Ron Paul: San Francisco 49ers. Paul wants to put America back on the gold standard, and he wants to put the Super Bowl back on the red-and-gold standard. Other Ron Paul NFL positions include rolling back instant replay, conducting a full audit of the NFL Network, and eliminating of underperforming and inefficient AFC West division. That being said, Ron Paul does own a Wes Welker jersey, though he wears his Peyton Hillis jersey a lot more.
Dennis Kucinich: New York Giants. An outspoken opponent of the US invasion of Iraq, Kucinich jumped on the Giants bandwagon after they beat the Cowboys, in part because they neutralized Dallas’ pass-rushing outside linebacker. However, it could be that Kucinich may have misread post-game articles that praised New York’s “anti-Ware effort.” Also, he likes Tom Coughlin because their faces both look weird on TV.
Sarah Palin: The BC Lions of the CFL. You can totally see Russia from Vancouver.
(via nfloffseason)
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“One widely posted warning reads SMOKING DISCOURAGED, and that says it all about the United Nations, its power and its might.“—P.J. O’Rourke, describing UN headquarters. So if you were surprised that the UN refused to condemn the civilian massacres in Syria, don’t be - they can’t even ban smoking in their own building.
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Friday, February 3rd 2012
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8:35pm|reblogged from SportsCentr:Romans Schmomans
I hate Roman numerals and this is why.
(via sportscentr)
It is always confusing when a sportswriter refers to a Super Bowl by number alone, expecting everyone to intuitively remember that the NFL championship game from February 2008 is Super Bowl XLII. You know, just take the current year, mentally subtract 1966, convert to Roman numerals, and there you have it. Completely intuitive.
Bill Simmons is easily the worst offender in this regard, though you can assume that any Super Bowl he mentions is one the Patriots played in, so you only have five choices. But even the famed VP of Common Sense would endorse this idea:
Use the Arabic numeral
Here’s what you need to know Roman numerals for:
- Watches (1-12)
- Monarchs & Popes. There have been 11 King Edwards in England, and 23 Pope Johns, so if you’re a theology student or royal family enthusiast, you might need them. Actually, just stop being either of those things. You’ll be much happier.
- Reading the production year of film in the 2-3 seconds it appears in the credits (irrelevant, IMDB exists)
- Book volume and chapter numbers (OK, bookworm, knock yourself out)
Literally the only reason you ever have to count above 20 in Roman numerals is because of the Super Bowl. No, perverts, “XXX” almost never means 30. The NFL officially uses Roman numerals? Good for them, but you know who stopped using Roman numerals back in the 14 century? The Romans.
Unless a member of the Caesar family is editing your publication, feel free to just call this Pats-Giants game “Super Bowl 46.” If not for the readers, do it for the players. Given all that we’ve learned about the effects of concussions, do we need to confuse these guys even more?
Better yet, just write “The 2012 Super Bowl.” Every other sporting event uses the year. The Olympics have Roman numerals, but they’re really described by year or city. Currently, the phrase “Games of the Nth Olympiad” only exists in order to make Bob Costas sound even more pretentious than usual. If you are used to the old format, feel free to go with “Super Bowl 2012” - if it’s good enough for Death Race 2000, it’s good enough for NFC vs. AFC.
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12:43pm|reblogged from NFL Off-Season:Super LOL XLVI: “I Am A New York,” by Jake Weisman
Jake Weisman is a very funny man. He loves the New York Football Giants, Godsmack, and his father.
(Leading up to Sunday, we asked a group of comedians to share their thoughts and insights on the big game. Next up is Jake Weisman, a stand-up comic, podcaster, and cat lover who lives in Los Angeles)
I Am A New York
Hi my name is Jake Weisman. I am from New York, the most important country in the world.
I know what you’re thinking out loud right now: “Jake, New York’s not even a state, how could it be a country?” To that I say: “You’re right, I have a lying problem.”
Considering I am from New York, I can tell you first hand that there is absolutely nothing in the world like being a fan of the New York Giants. Except for being a fan of any other professional football team.
No, but really, let’s get serious. Football really is a bigger deal in New York than in other places. Like, for instance, in Australia, it’s already Saturday.
Why am I writing this? I don’t know man, maybe because I’m God? Or is it maybe because I’m NOT God? Either way, I’m from New York, and that’s a BIG deal.
I like football. I also like sports. I like football more than other sports. Football shouldn’t even be considered a sport. It’s more than that. Like for instance in Australia, where it’s nationally recognized as Saturday.
OK, so I am God. Smack. I am the band Godsmack. I apologize for my music. I only created it to get attention from my father.
My father is a BIG fan of the New York Giants. I know this because whenever he calls me on the phone he says, “I’m not your Dad, and this isn’t a phone call, I am the voice in your head. Also, I’m a BIG fan of the New York Giants.”
OK Guys, basically the only thing my father will talk to me about is football. Please let me have this. Make my father love me.
Besides, I don’t even think New England is a real place. Like where is it, in England? Um OK you idiots. That’s not even in Australia, where one day this week it will be Tuesday, probably.
Even if New England is a “place,” it’s not like they have fathers. I have more fathers than all the fans of the New England Patriots combined. I have 14 million fathers.
Go Giants!
I am God.
On a scale of 1 to 10, I am God.
(Follow Jake on Twitter here: @weismanjake. See his erotic art here: Pictures Of Me Having Sex. Watch videos from Jake’s sketch group, Women, here: Women Comedy.)
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Thursday, February 2nd 2012
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Brian Doyle-Murray saw his shadow today, which means another six weeks of winter. After making the announcement, Doyle-Murray nearly choked to death on a steak, before being saved by a passing weatherman who conveniently knew the Heimlich maneuver. Don’t try to swallow a whole cow, buddy - you’ve got a bachelor auction to run!
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Fun fact! Michael Shannon of “Boardwalk Empire” is in Groundhog Day, as one half of a newlywed couple who Phil surprises with tickets to Wrestlemania in Pittsburgh. i’m in the middle of pitching a sequel, where his character returns from his honeymoon to clean up corruption in Punxsutawney and look menacing. He also learns to make ice sculptures.
