By the legendary Farley Katz.
I ask that, in celebrating our raping of the stock market, we show restraint in the following ways:
- Please limit high-fives and chest bumps to a dozen a day.
- Don’t wear your crowns, except around the office.
- Stop paying for things in Monopoly money—I understand it is the same as real money to us, but there have been some complaints.
- For now, let’s take down the giant scoreboard that reads “Main Street: zero. Wall Street: a billion gazillion bajillion.”
Furthermore, to avoid drawing criticism from the press, this year the bonuses, expected to be comically large, will be distributed in blood diamonds, which can be easily concealed in a briefcase so it looks like we’re working.
Check out Farley’s dog-rating site.
