Another in depth football preview, via nfloffseason
Detroit leaves their dome for less friendlier indoor confines in New Orleans in a matchup of two 5,000-yard passers. How do we decide between such high-powered offenses? Time to go Behind The Inside Of The Numbers!
Worst failure by trusted leadership
New Orleans: President Bush was president of the United States from 2001-2008. In 2005, Bush stayed on vacation while Hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans, the levees broke, and flooding devastated the city of New Orleans. Later, while relief efforts broke down, he claimed his beleaguered FEMA head was doing a “heckuva job.”
Detroit: Matt Millen was team president of the Lions from 2001-2008.
ADVANTAGE: Detroit. At least President Bush didn’t draft a wide receiver in the first round three years in a row.
Mayor’s Bet
What would the mayors of these cities stake on the outcome of this battle? Here’s our best guess.
Detroit: An abandoned house, a carton of Jim Leyland’s cigarettes, Kid Rock’s leftover hepatitis C medication, a game-worn Richard Hamilton face mask, and a Lincoln Blackwood.
New Orleans: 35 strands of beads, a 96-ounce alcoholic fruit drink, a Big Star box set, and a bullet fragment that was once lodged in Andrew Jackson’s chest.
ADVANTAGE: New Orleans.
Most Dickensian Player Names
Detroit: Gosder Cherilus, Johnny Culbreath, Nick Fairley, Kyle Vanden Bosch
New Orleans: Drew Brees, Jermon Bushrod, Chase Daniel, Chris Ivory, Turk McBride, Pat McQuistan, Thomas Morstead.
While Kyle Vanden Bosch sounds like an orphan who’s secretly heir to a fortune, and Gosder Cherilus his evil guardian, the sheer number of Dickensian Saints names tips the balance in their favor - and that’s without considering ethnic-but-still-Dickensian names like Brian De La Puente and Isa Abdul-Quddus. ADVANTAGE: New Orleans.
Famous Fans
Detroit: Bob Seger, Lou Whitaker, Mayor Dave Bing, Don Cheadle’s character from “Out Of Sight,” Eminem’s #1 fan, Stan, Megatron the Transformer, Starscream the Transformer, Dido.
New Orleans: Nicolas Cage, Dr. John, the Neville Brothers, the Neville Sisters, Sean Penn in a rowboat holding a shotgun, anyone with a facial birthmark, Blanche Dubois, Emeka Okafor.
ADVANTAGE: Detroit.
The tiebreaker comes down to:
Mascots
Detroit: Roary the Lion.
New Orleans: (two) Gumbo the Dog (he’s a SAINT Bernard) and Sir Saint.
Sir Saint is a nobleman AND a man of the church, which would have made him incredibly powerful in medieval times. Whether New Orleans is praying for a missed field goal on the sidelines or simply trying to negotiate the salary cap, Sir Saint is quite an asset. Gumbo used to be an actual dog dressed up in a Saints jersey on the sidelines, and what’s cuter than that? Meanwhile, poor Roary doesn’t even have a Wikipedia page.
ADVANTAGE: New Orleans.
So there you have it. In a close battle, the Saints edge out the Lions. While the Saints may come stumbling in, rather than marching, our calculations indicate the Superdome should be ringing out with “Who Dat?” in a few hours.
