Five years ago, when the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull was just a glimmer in George Lucas’s Ewok eyes, I wrote a preview of the rumored Indiana Jones sequel. With the movie opening in less than 30 minutes here in San Francisco, let’s revisit that piece even though, at this point, it belongs in a museum.
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Indy is getting up there in years. In fact, the final sequence in “Last Crusade” seems designed to disguise Harrison Ford’s advancing age (he was 47) and lack of mobility. He passes the first challenge by remembering, “Only the penitent man shall pass,” and then kneeling down. The second challenge is solved by spelling the name of God in Greek. His supposed “leap from the lion’s head” involves Indy simply falling and landing on an invisible bridge. All told, these stunts could have been performed by Harrison Ford, ex-president Gerald Ford, or ex-Beatle George Harrison without much decline in effectiveness.
After completing these “challenges,” Indy is given a task that only a sufficiently cultured, middle-aged man can do properly - pick out wine glasses. No young man would have the patience and experience to select the true Grail. Plus, Harrison Ford doesn’t have to run or jump.
Plans are reportedly in the works for a fourth Indiana Jones movie. Right now, Harrison Ford is 60 years old. The action sequences are going to have to be scaled down a great deal to accomodate his age and infirmity.
Young Nubile Adventureress: Indy, the Nazis have flown the ancient relic back to Germany! How are we going to find the cash to pay for our plane tickets?
Indy: I can cash in my IRA. By the way, it’s much better to begin a Roth IRA when you’re young, so you can avoid many income tax penalties.
Young Nubile Adventuress: Kiss me.
Sallah: What’s wrong, Indy?
Indy: (clutches chest) Having… heart attack… need…my pills…
Sallah: They’re right over there, Indy. Behind that nest of snakes.
Indy: (gasping) I… hate… snakes. And… saturated…fat.
Short Round: No time for another trip to the restroom, Doctor Jones! We gotta move!
Indy: My greatest challenge is ahead of me now, Short Round.
Short Round: What is it? We gotta fly rickety biplane over mountains? Fight a troop of Gestapo soldiers using bare hands? Ride pushcart through elaborate mine?
Indy: Tougher than that. I have to find where I left my car keys.
