Sean Keane Comedy

joemande: Shout out to devastated teen Herbie Pulgar.

Sat, 11 Feb 2012 10:40:11 -0800

Shout out to devastated teen Herbie Pulgar.

Kyle Kinane tells a heartwarming story about bunnies in love....

Thu, 09 Feb 2012 11:58:00 -0800

Kyle Kinane tells a heartwarming story about bunnies in love. I’m not sure that there’s comedian who makes me laugh as hard as Kyle Kinane does on a regular basis. In fact, I’d even say “guffaw,” because it’s often the kind of laugh where you spit a little bit, and then you’re coughing a little bit, and meanwhile Kinane is making you think about your grocery shopping experience in a completely new way.

Kyle has crashed at my apartment once, at a night where we already had two people sleeping on couches. So all we could offer Kyle to sleep on was a fluffy rug that looked like a polar bear pelt, and then for covers, a weird blanket that had a bunch of deer printed on it. And you know, it looked sort of perfect. I wish we’d had a Don’t Tread On Me flag pillowcase, but otherwise we really couldn’t have done better.

He’ll be at The Business LA tomorrow night, along with Louis Katz and the rest of the Businessmen. Nerdist Theater at Meltdown Comics, 8:00, eight bucks in advance, no service charge.

I first met Louis Katz at one of the early Heuristic Squelch...

Wed, 08 Feb 2012 12:42:00 -0800

I first met Louis Katz at one of the early Heuristic Squelch comedy shows at UC Berkeley. We had an open mic directly after the regular show, and I think Louis was the only non-Squelch staffer to get up. Even then, he was very self-assured on stage and also fairly dirty, though not as down n’ dirty as he’d later become. He talked about how attending public school gives you the ability to hold your shit in indefinitely, and how his balls were so smelly he could get high off their scent.

It was years before I started doing stand-up for real, and by then Louis was well on his way to Los Angeles, New York, and Comedy Central stardom. Along the way, I saw him rap in Portuguese, scrap with ruffians outside Cancun Taqueria, and just get really fantastic at comedy. We’ve spent a lot of claustrophobic hours together on an elevator to space, but this Friday night, he joins The Business LA lineup (along with Kyle Kinane) at Meltdown Comics in Hollywood. I’m excited to see Louis’ new stuff, but I still have zero interest in smelling his balls.

Katy Perry wore a dual Patriots-Giants jersey at the Super Bowl...

Mon, 06 Feb 2012 09:36:00 -0800

Katy Perry wore a dual Patriots-Giants jersey at the Super Bowl pregame today. So as not to alienate any fans, she hedged her bets an supported both teams, To paraphrase Michael Jordan, “Football fans buy Katy Perry records, too.” In some cases, a split jersey reflects genuinely split loyalties, like Brady Quinn’s sister at the Fiesta Bowl.

This was a common sight in the Bay Area during the 80’s, especially during the Bay Bridge Series in 1989. The split cap was omnipresent, whether it was front-running Giants fans catching Bash Brothers fever, or A’s fans trying to avoid shankings in the post-earthquake Candlestick parking lot. Putting on the SF/OAK hat was embarrassing, but the split SF/OAK jersey was far, far worse. Wearing the split jersey says, “I just spent over a hundred dollars to tell the world I’m indecisive.” It’s like putting a bumper sticker on your car that just says, “ABORTION.” You’re not picking a side, but you’re aware that there is a difference of opinion.

In a related story, here’s a clip of me discussing the Bay Area baseball fan experience:

(HT: radiofreetobin)

Who are the politicians rooting for?

Sun, 05 Feb 2012 15:35:43 -0800

As we get closer and closer to kickoff, one question remains: Who are our nation’s finest politicians supporting? Our exhaustive research gives the big answer.

Barack Obama: New England Patriots. Normally, an incumbent president during an election year, wouldn’t risk alienating one fan base by choosing sides. However, Obama is from Chicago, and on record as a passionate fan of the Bears. He can’t in good conscience pick the New York Giants, unless he wants a 20-minute profanity-laden phone tirade from Rahm Emanuel.

Newt Gingrich: New England Patriots. Like Gingrich, Coach Bill Belichick is an unconventional, out-of-the-box thinker. Newt wants to go start a colony on the moon, Belichick is willing to play a wide receiver at defensive back for years. Would you be surprised if Bill Belichick already had a base on the moon, solely devoted to training linebackers and tight ends?

Both men have a history of adultery. Not only that, but Newt left his wife for a younger woman when she had cancer; Belichick abandoned Drew Bledsoe for a younger QB when Mo Lewis ruptured Bledsoe’s spleen. Gingrich has to decide if he can cheer for New England while also demanding that Aaron Hernandez be deported.

Rick Santorum: New York Giants. The Giants played well on a very sloppy field in the NFC Championship game. It was muddy, the field was slippery, and when the rain hit, the field almost seemed…frothy. Also, Eli Manning might be the best QB in the league in terms of coming from behind. If that doesn’t say “santorum,” then I don’t know what does.

Mitt Romney: New England Patriots. He’s the former governor of Massachusetts, so this is a slam dunk. The Patriots have a very poor pass defense, but Romney doesn’t care about the very poor. Romney knows what it’s like to lose to a clearly inferior opponent and then wait four long years to get another shot. He’s also promised to repeal ObamaCare AND Bill Belichick’s fine for SpyGate.  

Ron Paul: San Francisco 49ers. Paul wants to put America back on the gold standard, and he wants to put the Super Bowl back on the red-and-gold standard. Other Ron Paul NFL positions include rolling back instant replay, conducting a full audit of the NFL Network, and eliminating of underperforming and inefficient AFC West division. That being said, Ron Paul does own a Wes Welker jersey, though he wears his Peyton Hillis jersey a lot more.

Dennis Kucinich: New York Giants. An outspoken opponent of the US invasion of Iraq, Kucinich jumped on the Giants bandwagon after they beat the Cowboys, in part because they neutralized Dallas’ pass-rushing outside linebacker. However, it could be that Kucinich may have misread post-game articles that praised New York’s “anti-Ware effort.” Also, he likes Tom Coughlin because their faces both look weird on TV.

Sarah Palin: The BC Lions of the CFL. You can totally see Russia from Vancouver.

(Sean Keane)

(via nfloffseason)

"One widely posted warning reads SMOKING DISCOURAGED, and that says it all about the United Nations,..."

Sun, 05 Feb 2012 03:29:56 -0800

“One widely posted warning reads SMOKING DISCOURAGED, and that says it all about the United Nations, its power and its might.”

- P.J. O’Rourke, describing UN headquarters. So if you were surprised that the UN refused to condemn the civilian massacres in Syria, don’t be - they can’t even ban smoking in their own building.

Romans Schmomans

Fri, 03 Feb 2012 20:35:29 -0800

I hate Roman numerals and this is why.

(via sportscentr)

It is always confusing when a sportswriter refers to a Super Bowl by number alone, expecting everyone to intuitively remember that the NFL championship game from February 2008 is Super Bowl XLII. You know, just take the current year, mentally subtract 1966, convert to Roman numerals, and there you have it. Completely intuitive.

Bill Simmons is easily the worst offender in this regard, though you can assume that any Super Bowl he mentions is one the Patriots played in, so you only have five choices. But even the famed VP of Common Sense would endorse this idea:

Use the Arabic numeral

Here’s what you need to know Roman numerals for:

Watches (1-12)
Monarchs & Popes. There have been 11 King Edwards in England, and 23 Pope Johns, so if you’re a theology student or royal family enthusiast, you might need them. Actually, just stop being either of those things. You’ll be much happier.
Reading the production year of film in the 2-3 seconds it appears in the credits (irrelevant, IMDB exists)
Book volume and chapter numbers (OK, bookworm, knock yourself out)

Literally the only reason you ever have to count above 20 in Roman numerals is because of the Super Bowl. No, perverts, “XXX” almost never means 30. The NFL officially uses Roman numerals? Good for them, but you know who stopped using Roman numerals back in the 14 century? The Romans.

Unless a member of the Caesar family is editing your publication, feel free to just call this Pats-Giants game “Super Bowl 46.” If not for the readers, do it for the players. Given all that we’ve learned about the effects of concussions, do we need to confuse these guys even more?

Better yet, just write “The 2012 Super Bowl.” Every other sporting event uses the year. The Olympics have Roman numerals, but they’re really described by year or city. Currently, the phrase “Games of the Nth Olympiad” only exists in order to make Bob Costas sound even more pretentious than usual. If you are used to the old format, feel free to go with “Super Bowl 2012” - if it’s good enough for Death Race 2000, it’s good enough for NFC vs. AFC.

Super LOL XLVI: "I Am A New York," by Jake Weisman

Fri, 03 Feb 2012 12:43:48 -0800

Jake Weisman is a very funny man. He loves the New York Football Giants, Godsmack, and his father.

nfloffseason:

(Leading up to Sunday, we asked a group of comedians to share their thoughts and insights on the big game. Next up is Jake Weisman, a stand-up comic, podcaster, and cat lover who lives in Los Angeles)

I Am A New York

Hi my name is Jake Weisman. I am from New York, the most important country in the world.

I know what you’re thinking out loud right now: “Jake, New York’s not even a state, how could it be a country?” To that I say: “You’re right, I have a lying problem.”

Considering I am from New York, I can tell you first hand that there is absolutely nothing in the world like being a fan of the New York Giants. Except for being a fan of any other professional football team.

No, but really, let’s get serious. Football really is a bigger deal in New York than in other places. Like, for instance, in Australia, it’s already Saturday.

Why am I writing this? I don’t know man, maybe because I’m God? Or is it maybe because I’m NOT God? Either way, I’m from New York, and that’s a BIG deal.

I like football. I also like sports. I like football more than other sports. Football shouldn’t even be considered a sport. It’s more than that. Like for instance in Australia, where it’s nationally recognized as Saturday.

OK, so I am God. Smack. I am the band Godsmack. I apologize for my music. I only created it to get attention from my father.

My father is a BIG fan of the New York Giants. I know this because whenever he calls me on the phone he says, “I’m not your Dad, and this isn’t a phone call, I am the voice in your head. Also, I’m a BIG fan of the New York Giants.”

OK Guys, basically the only thing my father will talk to me about is football. Please let me have this. Make my father love me.

Besides, I don’t even think New England is a real place. Like where is it, in England? Um OK you idiots. That’s not even in Australia, where one day this week it will be Tuesday, probably.

Even if New England is a “place,” it’s not like they have fathers. I have more fathers than all the fans of the New England Patriots combined. I have 14 million fathers.

Go Giants!

I am God.

On a scale of 1 to 10, I am God.

(Follow Jake on Twitter here: @weismanjake. See his erotic art here: Pictures Of Me Having Sex. Watch videos from Jake’s sketch group, Women, here: Women Comedy.)

Brian Doyle-Murray saw his shadow today, which means another six...

Thu, 02 Feb 2012 15:17:52 -0800

Brian Doyle-Murray saw his shadow today, which means another six weeks of winter. After making the announcement, Doyle-Murray nearly choked to death on a steak, before being saved by a passing weatherman who conveniently knew the Heimlich maneuver. Don’t try to swallow a whole cow, buddy - you’ve got a bachelor auction to run!

Fun fact! Michael Shannon of “Boardwalk Empire” is...

Thu, 02 Feb 2012 11:28:00 -0800

Fun fact! Michael Shannon of “Boardwalk Empire” is in Groundhog Day, as one half of a newlywed couple who Phil surprises with tickets to Wrestlemania in Pittsburgh. i’m in the middle of pitching a sequel, where his character returns from his honeymoon to clean up corruption in Punxsutawney and look menacing. He also learns to make ice sculptures.

In honor of Groundhog Day, here’s Ned Ryerson. You...

Thu, 02 Feb 2012 11:15:00 -0800

In honor of Groundhog Day, here’s Ned Ryerson. You remember him, right? Needlenose Ned? Ned the Head? The guy who did the whistling belly-button trick at the high school talent show? Got the shingles real bad senior year, almost didn’t graduate? Ned!

R.I.P. Mr. Pitt

Tue, 31 Jan 2012 00:15:26 -0800

R.I.P. Mr. Pitt

The Business Returns to the Meltdown

Fri, 27 Jan 2012 19:26:59 -0800

The Business Returns to the Meltdown:

The Business SF heads south in just TWO SHORT WEEKS for a return engagement at the Nerdist Theater at Meltdown Comics in Hollywood. On February 10th, enjoy Alex Koll, Chris Garcia, Bucky Sinister, and yours truly, along with two, count ‘em, two special guests: Elevator astronaut Louis Katz and comedian/hobo poet Kyle Kinane. All this, and a medically-transported-burrito raffle too!

This is going to be a good one, so why not save two bucks and get tickets in advance? Maybe you could plan something ahead of time for once in your miserable life. Just grow up already, and come to the show. You’re welcome.

These guys seem like they mean business. I’ve been on the...

Fri, 27 Jan 2012 03:44:30 -0800

These guys seem like they mean business.

I’ve been on the cover of the East Bay Express myself, so I know that these are the kind of tactics you need to make inroads with the alternative press. Sure, my face was there without a name, and sure, the headline underneath implied that I was a member of a “Hip-Hop Power Trio,” but that does not matter. I made it.

LA Weekly and the hookers that advertise in the LA Weekly need to take a long hard look at this video and decide for themselves if these are enemies they want to make.

powerviolencecomedy:

It’s Time for Power Violence to RISE UP! A shit tide will wipe you out LA WEEKLY!

Moneyball 2012: Jose Canseco Director's Cut

Thu, 26 Jan 2012 15:07:57 -0800

(via mlboffseason)

Moneyball 2012

By Aaron Sorkin & Sean Keane

(SCENE: The ramshackle Oakland front office’s conference room. Oakland scouts fidget nervously, staring at their own pagers rather than each other. Billy Beane bursts into the conference room waving a printout.)

Billy Beane: Guys, you’re still trying to replace Gio Gonzalez. I told you we can’t do it. We can’t do it. Now what we might be able to do is recreate him, in the field of social media.

Grady Fuson: The field of what?

Billy Beane: No one is talking about this team as contenders, but the real problem is no one is talking about this team, at all. We haven’t been a trending topic since Dallas Braden’s perfect game.

Ron Hopkins: What’s a Trending topic?

Billy Beane: Peter, get Wikipedia open for Ron. Gonzalez has 19,586 followers on Twitter. Andrew Bailey has 11,835 followers. Trevor Cahill is not on Twitter, but his Facebook fan page has 2,128 likes. What’s the total?

(He snaps his finger and points to Peter )

Peter Brand: Do you want me to speak?

Billy Beane: When I point to you, yeah. Why couldn’t Milton Bradley have been like you?

Peter Brand: Thirty three five forty-nine.

Billy Beane: Divided by three.

(Billy snaps his finger again)

Peter Brand: Eleven one eight three.

Billy Beane: That’s what we’re looking for. Three ball players whose average Klout score is…

Peter Brand: Sixty-three!

Billy Beane: Now here’s who we want. @LoMoMarlins, AKA Logan Morrison.

Ron Hopkins: Logan Morrison! That guy’s a head case.

Grady Fuson: The Marlins sent him to the minors last year even though he had 17 home runs.

Billy Beane: And he has 88,700 followers! Number two, @JoseCanseco.

Grady Fuson: Jose Canseco! Come on, Billy! He’s 47 years old!

Ron Hopkins: He proposed to Lady Gaga!

Grady Fuson: Didn’t he box a kangaroo on pay-per-view?

Billy Beane: Well, his social media reach is all we’re looking at here.

Ron Hopkins: Why do you like this idiot?

Billy Beane: Peter?

Peter Brand: (shrugs) 400,000 followers, 2,000 Tweets. He gets online.

Billy Beane: Number Three, @RobDelaney.

Grady Fuson: For crissakes Billy, he’s not even a baseball player!

Billy Beane: Peter’s computer says Delaney’s received over 70,000 “Favorites,” some of his stuff has been retweeted over 6,00 times, and he looks good in baseball pants.

Ron Hopkins: Billy, we’re not selling jeans here.

Billy Beane: Maybe we are selling jeans. If we have players with followers, we can use sponsored tweets. We make a deal with Levi’s, and we might earn enough to afford hot water in the locker room showers. They’ll like him for the same reason we like him. Because…?

The Scouts: He gets online.

Billy Beane: He gets online!

Grady Fuson: So he Tweets a lot.

Billy Beane: He gets online a lot. Do I care if it’s a blog or a Facebook status update? Do I, Pete?

Peter Brand: You do not. Hey, who do I talk to about getting my character’s name changed?

Billy Beane: Fausto Carmona.

Contraband: What Would You Family to Family Your Family? I saw...

Tue, 24 Jan 2012 13:37:04 -0800

Contraband: What Would You Family to Family Your Family?

I saw “Contraband,” the movie where reformed-but-world-class smuggler Mark Wahlberg has to go back to a life of crime in order to save his family. Specifically his brother-in-law, who owes money to gangster Giovanni Ribisi, but later his kids and wife are threatened, too. Just when he thinks he’s out, they smuggle him back in!

Mark Wahlberg might be the heir to Harrison Ford, in terms of family-protecting intensity. When a double-cross gets him caught in a firefight between machine-gun toting thugs and the Panamanian army, Wahlberg yells, “You put my family in danger!” as he pummels the double-crosser. He doesn’t mention the fifteen minutes of automatic weapon fire or his own near-death; just the family, in danger. Then he relents on the pummeling, because the double-crosser is also family, and he loves his family.

This is one reason why “The Fighter” works. Even though Micky Ward has a terrible, manipulative family, it’s unimaginable he’d ever ditch his family, simply because he’s played by Mark Wahlberg. This is why Mark Wahlberg might genuinely think he could have prevented 9/11. He said, “If I was on that plane with my kids, it wouldn’t have went down like it did. There would have been a lot of blood in that first-class cabin and then me saying, ‘OK, we’re going to land somewhere safely, don’t worry.’” (emphasis mine) In a movie, the presence of his children would have made Wahlberg an unstoppable fighting/smuggling force, so why couldn’t he draw on that family-based berserker rage in real life?

Accents

This movie is set in New Orleans, though Giovanni Ribisi is the only actor who does a New Orleans accent to any degree. And it’s possibly the worst movie accent I’ve ever heard, at least in the same class as Keanu Reeves in “Dracula,” Tim Curry in “Congo,” Kevin Costner in “Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves,” Christian Slater in “Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves,” and Keanu Reeves in “The Devil’s Advocate.” Joey Devine asked, “Is he like Dr. John’s son?”

You can also tell the movie is in New Orleans because of the scene where Wahlberg explains that, if he’d been with his kids, those levees wouldn’t have went down like they did in 2005.

Chemistry

My favorite line of the movie comes when Wahlberg explains part of his ingenious smuggling plan by shouting, “Didn’t you take chemistry in school? Salt dissolves in water, bitch!” That is the least-tough statement that has ever been punctuated with “bitch.” Also, is that a piece of knowledge that’s reserved for chemists? Chemists, and master smugglers. I don’t think Wahlberg’s character studied chemistry either, but maybe his family had a history of high blood pressure, so he had to learn how to defeat their nemesis, salt.

“You’re trying to give my family hypertension! I’m gonna dissolve you in water, bitch!”

All in all, “Contraband” is really stupid but fairly enjoyable, and I look forward to not really watching it but also not turning it off some future Sunday afternoon when it’s on USA.

We Are the 49%: Why the 49ers Should Be the Team of the Occupy Movement

Sun, 22 Jan 2012 11:01:05 -0800

MIC CHECK! Sports fandom and political activism are not mutually exclusive, but it’s understandable that activists in the Occupy moment have not been following the NFL season closely this fall. Who should they support today? I think the general consensus should be the San Francisco 49ers.

In the pre-season, pundits gave the 49ers only a 1% chance to reach the Super Bowl.
The 49ers defense lacks superstars, but it’s quietly devastating. One could call it…Anonymous.
Their opponent is the New York Giants, a team from Wall Street itself. Last week, they faced off against a community-owned non-profit from Wisconsin and they crushed them, like some kind of Koch Brothers wet dream.
Just as corporations will incorporate themselves in Delaware for tax reasons, the Giants claim New York City as their home, despite playing their games in New Jersey. Stop the corporate lies, John Mara!
Eli Manning is their quarterback, a player who got his opportunities because of his family connections. His signature move is to throw passes wildly downfield, and hope that his wide receivers will bail him out. Hakeem Nicks might as well have “TARP” written on the back of his jersey.
Coach Tom Coughlin did once wear a V For Vendetta mask on the sidelines, but it was only to keep his face from freezing off. His favorite Natalie Portman movie is actually “Where The Heart Is,” a movie that takes place at Wal-Mart.
Alex Smith was an honor student in both high school and college. He earned his degree in just two years, but once he joined the workforce, he kept losing his job over and over again. Some say it was a quarterback competition; I call that layoffs.
For years, the 49ers were run by Dennis Erickson, Mike Nolan, and Mike Singletary, which means they were a leaderless organization YEARS before Zucotti Park.
San Francisco starts Michael Crabtree at wide receiver. In Oakland, I believe someone briefly occupied a crab tree.
Candlestick Park provides less protection from the cold than a teepee at Justin Herman Plaza.
Like protesters, 49er fans now have to worry about cops infiltrating their groups.

Who’s got it better than us? Economically, it’s the 1%, but on the gridiron, nobody!

Whose Stick? Our Stick! Whose Stick? Our Stick! Whose Stick? Our Stick!

Championship Game Commercial Predictions

Sun, 22 Jan 2012 09:07:03 -0800

SPORTS JOKES

(via nfloffseason)

If the 49ers win, expect Alex Smith to immediately sign a deal with Domino’s Pizza. “Everyone thought I sucked, and then I got a lot better. While that still only bumps me up to mediocre, I’m also cheap.”
If the Giants win, Eli Manning will film another Double Stuff Racing League commercial, but his new partner will be Andrew Luck.
Depending on his postgame press conference, Tom Coughlin could end up a miniature coach in a beer commercial within two years. It would be easy to suggest that his face has also been “frost-brewed.”
Any win by a Harbaugh brother will set up a “Who’s Got It Better Than Us?” campaign for Best Western.
Joe Buck will work the phrase “Jumbaco” into the broadcast, because he is the fucking worst.
A triumphant Tom Brady will film a Mitt Romney endorsement at midfield; a losing Tom Brady will film himself shame-eating a giant sundae from the Coldstone Creamery in the back of his town car.
Rex Ryan will shill for Six Flags. “Since I’m clearly not going to Disneyland any time soon, I might as well visit Six Flags. But I’m not taking Mark, because he’s scared of roller coasters.”
You’ll hear the song “Bad Day” more than thirty times today, while an announcer suggests, incorrectly, that it’s perfectly acceptable to start playing fantasy football in late January.

(Sean Keane)

Matt Saracen vs. Alex Smith. I went into a lot of depth on the...

Sat, 21 Jan 2012 09:00:06 -0800

Matt Saracen vs. Alex Smith. I went into a lot of depth on the topic.

If they win on Sunday, I promise to explore the connections between Eddie Debartolo and Buddy Garrity.

(via nfloffseason)

The fantastic Joe Mande called it; Alex Smith is the closest thing the NFL has to Dillon Panthers quarterback Matt Saracen, from Friday Night Lights. Let’s explore the parallels.

- Alex’s final drive on Sunday contained a miraculous last-second touchdown pass, like in the Season One state championship game, and a heart-breaking comeback from the opposing team, like the Season Three state championship game, and everyone cried tears of joy, like when Tami Taylor found out she was pregnant. (Please no spoilers, I’m still in the middle of Season Four)

- Matt Saracen had to care for his elderly grandmother, who was in the early stages of dementia. Alex Smith had to deal with offensive coordinator Jimmy Raye, who occasionally forgot what down it was. Once, in a goal-line situation, Smith had to burn a timeout AND sing “Mr. Sandman” to Raye just to get him to send in a play.

- Neither Matt Saracen nor Alex Smith has ever had a legitimate wide receiver to throw to. The emergence of Delanie Walker as a receiving threat is kind of like the episode where Landry caught a touchdown pass and Coach Taylor still called him “Lance.” Although Delanie Walker never murdered anyone.

- What they did have were Tim Riggins and Vernon Davis. Both are former disciplinary problems turned team leaders. Both started off as blockers, but when they were actually made a part of the offense, they became devastating weapons. Each has a brother with a drinking problem. Also both looked like full-grown men as teenagers, although for Riggins, that was because he was played by a 28-year-old.

- They also had Frank Gore and Smash Williams. Both running backs had obvious talent, but were ignored due to a knee injuries, and eventually paid huge dividends for the team that took a chance on them. Frank Gore never resorted to steroids, but then again, he also never had to work at an Alamo Freeze.

- Saracen was abandoned by his mentor, Coach Taylor, who left for a better job at TMU. Smith was abandoned by his mentor, Norv Turner, who left to run the San Diego Chargers into the ground. Frankly, I don’t think Norv is even qualified to be the head coach of TMU.

- Later, Coach Taylor chose J.D. McCoy over Saracen, and blew the state championship game because of it. Coach Mike Singletary started Troy Smith ahead of Alex, and blew the easily winnable 2010 NFC West division.

- Smith also lost his job to J.T. O’Sullivan, which might as well have been the name of a Friday Night Lights character. Offensive coordinator Mike Martz preferred O’Sullivan to Smith, just like Wade Aikman supported J.D. McCoy.

- In his title game win, Saracen defeated his archrival, Voodoo Tatum. In his division round win, Smith defeated a team from New Orleans, the most voodoo-friendly city in America.

- Matt Saracen had sex with his coach’s daughter. On the sidelines, Coach Mike Singletary once angrily suggested that Alex Smith go have sex with himself.

So what are we to expect as fans on Sunday? Will Alex Smith triumph against the New York Giants, the Arnett Meade of the NFL? Will the rain turn Candlestick into a Mud Bowl? Will Alex Smith be distracted by his father’s unexpected return from Iraq? Did anyone ever find out what happened to the Latino kid that Buddy Garrity adopted?

All will be answered soon. Who’s got clearer eyes and fuller hearts than us? Nobody!

(Sean Keane)

"Offensive holding: This happens when an offensive player grabs a defensive player by his jersey, to keep him from tackling his teammate. It’s a ten-yard penalty. This is a good penalty for people to complain about during commercials, after the game, or in some cases, five years later (see: Seattle fans, Super Bowl XL). Mission District take note: Just because a player is flagged for holding, that does not necessarily mean he has cocaine."

Thu, 19 Jan 2012 17:32:35 -0800

"Offensive holding: This happens when an offensive player grabs a defensive player by his jersey, to keep him from tackling his teammate. It’s a ten-yard penalty. This is a good penalty for people to complain about during commercials, after the game, or in some cases, five years later (see: Seattle fans, Super Bowl XL). Mission District take note: Just because a player is flagged for holding, that does not necessarily mean he has cocaine.":

My NFL rules guide appeared on the East Bay Express blog today. This could be the beginning of a beautiful alt-weekly friendship.