Sean Keane Comedy

Thursday, August 18th 2016
3:37pm:

Coach Sean Talks Ryan Lochte
As a former swim coach, I feel like I have particular insight into the disgraced US swimmers’ current predicament. Were they drunken, racist idiots who caused an international incident for virtually no reason? Yes. But they also forgot the fundamentals of their sport.
1. Remember the importance of streamlining.
When you dive in or push off a wall, it is crucial to hold a tight streamline position to move efficiently through the water, conserving energy and reducing drag. Similarly, when you and your friends make up a fake story about a robbery, it’s crucial to streamline the details. Muggers beat you up? Sure. Muggers pretending to be cops? And one of you refuse to lay down, even at gunpoint? Now that’s unnecessarily sticking your head up, and that’s how people catch up to you.
2. Time your flip correctly.
Know when you’re about to hit the wall, and adjust accordingly. When doing backstroke, you have to count your strokes and pay attention to the flags. When Ryan Lochte flew home early from Brazil, that was a giant red flag! You need to flip BEFORE your bullshit story crashes! Once authorities have pulled you off of a plane and seized your passport, that’s far too late to flip on your friends.
3. Pay attention to the video.
Watching film can give you crucial insight into your performance. Maybe your elbows should be higher on freestyle. Maybe you’re not pulling past your hips quickly enough on butterfly. Or maybe the gas station’s security camera caught you breaking down a door and then urinating against a wall. Reviewing the tape can get you out of jail, and onto the podium.
4. Brazilians are your friends.
Swim races often come down to the hundredth of a second. Swimmers must take every precaution to reduce friction, both in and out of the pool. If you’re already wearing a synthetic swim cap and waxing your chest, it’s just stupid to be dismissive of Brazilians. Things will go much, much smoother, even if you and your dumb friends got shithouse drunk at 4 AM.
5. Don’t punch a gas station security guard.
No matter what age group I’m teaching, I deliver the same speech on the first day of practice. Get to practice on time. Do your best and have fun. Listen when the coach is talking. And don’t punch a gas station security guard, just because you have to pee. Use your words. Admittedly, bladder control is generally only a big issue for 6 & Unders, but this incident proves it can affect swimmers of all ages.

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Tuesday, August 9th 2016
11:39am:

Sufjan Stevens’ 48 Other State Albums, Part 1
Sufjan Stevens released state-specific albums for Michigan and Illinois. But did you know he’s sitting on albums for all the other states? Here’s a guide.
Alabama: Sufan does a 56-minute version of “Free Bird” where the double guitar solo transitions into a double theremin solo which transitions to two actual birds soloing. The irony is, the birds are caged.
Alaska: Highlighted by “O Todd Pailn! Your Snowmobile Races O'Er The Bering Strait, Bearing Straight, Rushin’ To Freedom.”
Arkansas: Sufjan teams up with R. Kelly for a song-by-song cover of “Two For The Road,” by Kansas, billing themselves as R. Kansas. Controversially, Robert Kelly changes one song to “Carry On My Wayward Daughter,” and Steve Walsh disowns the release.
Arizona: Sufjan records the entire thing, a 14-song meditation on the London Bridge’s move to Lake Havasu, at the bottom of the Grand Canyon with the Polyphonic Spree. Sixteen Spree members die tragically when their robes get tangled under their donkeys’ feet on the descent to the canyon floor, and seven other are hospitalized due to rattlesnake bites. The remaining 42 Spree members dedicate the record to their fallen comrades.
California: The standout tracks are “Cesar Chavez Day (Goodbye To My Army Street Love),” “Bakers In Fields Of Meth, Or A Reluctant Fist Bump To Your Stepfather” and “Thine Most Pleasant Hills, Thine Sun-Valleyed Malls.”
Colorado: The song cycle parallels the plight of indigenous residents of Colorado with the football career of Denver Broncos quarterback John Elway. Highlights include “Wounded Knees - The Displaced Lakota And Terrell Davis,” “The Drive Of Tears,” and “The Massacre of ‘49(ers)”. There’s a hidden track where guest vocalist Peyton Manning duets with Sufjan on a gorgeous, fully-orchestrated rendition of “Chicken Parm You Taste So Good.”

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Wednesday, June 15th 2016
3:05pm:

Great Moments In Warriors History: Fan Makes The Worst Sign Of All Time
Draymond Green was suspended for Game 5 of the Finals because of his inability to stop hitting people in the balls. His last nut slap occurred after LeBron James stepped over him, basically baiting him into the flagrant foul. LeBron also received a technical for his actions, but didn’t get suspended, probably because he hasn’t spent the playoffs hitting people in the genitals.
Afterward, LeBron complained - not about the slap itself, but that Draymond had crossed the line in his comments. An intrepid NBA reporter dug deep and determined that Draymond called LeBron a “bitch.” Immediately, the least qualified spokespeople for the Warriors weighed in. Klay Thompson took a break from vaping to opine that LeBron’s feelings had been hurt. Marreesse Speights claimed he’d lost the respect he and his mole had for LeBron since high school. And Steph’s Curry’s wife took to Twitter to denounce LeBron as well, always a great sign for a team’s chances. Just ask Tom Brady and Wes Welker!
Warriors fans took their cue from the team, booing LeBron constantly, even during warmups and his walk from the team bus. They made signs, too. One sign asked if it was time for LeBron’s baby bottle. One fan brought an oversized bottle. Another has a sign that read Most Valuable leBaby. Look, if you can’t decide between MVB and “LeBaby,” just include both!
The sign pictured above is perhaps the worst sign in sports fan history. First, it is printed out, and in multiple colors, showing a clear degree of planning. Every terrible thing about this sign was absolutely intentional. The sign suggests LeBron’s nickname should be “Loser Cry Baby James,” which is not even clever enough to be a Donald Trump insult. It sounds like something a drunk Hans & Franz would come up with. And the quotation marks!
“High road” is in quotes, as are “King James” and “Loser Cry Baby James” (imagine if someone didn’t think that was a direct quote!). There’s a parenthetical which confusingly claims LeBron’s feelings were “hurt,” which I guess is quoting Klay Thompson? “Hurt” is in caps, as are 60% of the words in the sign. There’s an ellipsis! Really, if you have to make a lot of decisions about punctuation, rethink your sign.
This sign makes the angry letter Cavs owner Dan Gilbert wrote after LeBron left for Miami look like the Gutenberg Bible. Comic Sans font would make this sign classier! There’s plastic snot coming out of the LeBron photo’s nose! This sign took hours of work, and at least one trip to the store. This is the Battlefield Earth of fan signs, only with even worse philosophy behind it.
Look at that kid, and then look at the proud parent behind him. That dad has never helped with a diorama or a science fair project, but he stayed home from work Monday to help his son craft this magnum opus of suck. If the worst parts of a YouTube comment section vomited on some posterboard, it would still look better than this sign.
And it’s laminated! So this terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad sign could be preserved forever, and presumably framed for display in the family home.
LeBron James scored 41 points and the Cleveland Cavaliers won.

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Sunday, June 5th 2016
12:59pm:

Great Moments In Warriors History: The Chris & Tim Burger
In 1989, the Warriors drafted Tim Hardaway, adding him to their existing core of Mitch Richmond and Chris Mullin. Together they combined to form a high-scoring, fast-paced trio that provided unstoppable offense and virtually no defense whatsoever. During the 1991 season, the San Francisco Examiner ran a contest to name the duo - they were previously known as the “Big Three,” which is both generic and inaccurate, since Tim Hardaway isn’t even six feet tall. The players chose “Run TMC” (for Tim-Mitch-Chris) as the winner.
They were incredibly fun to watch, scoring tons of points, constantly fast-breaking and shooting threes. Their teammates were not particularly good, however. Once, Run TMC scored 30 points each, and still lost by 12 when all the other Warriors combined only put up 19. The team went 81-83 in this era, and peaked with a first-round upset win over the San Antonio Spurs in 1991. Afterward, the Warriors traded Richmond for rookie Billy Owens. After the trade, Mitch Richmond went on to make the All-Star team six times and won an Olympic gold medal. Billy Owens…did not.
In the short term, the Warriors did improve. They won 55 games in 91-92, culminating in an upset loss to the Seattle Supersonics in the playoffs. Seattle was led by Oakland native Gary Payton, who’d been drafted in 1990 with a pick the Warriors traded for Alton Lister. Gary Payton is in the Hall of Fame. Still, the Warriors didn’t capture the imagination like the Run TMC trio, nor did the nickname. Enter the Chris & Tim Burger.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mv3dBl83brU
It’s not encouraging when the signature commercial for your franchise players centers around them squabbling about top billing. The burger itself seems thrown together with no regard for chemistry - uh, barbecue sauce? Bacon? No particular style of cheese, just “cheese.” Even in this TV ad, which solely exists to promote the burger, makes the Chris & Tim Burger (Tim & Chris Burger?) look overcooked and undercooked simultaneously. I consulted an expert, who said the burger looked “realistic, for McDonald’s.” It looks about as appetizing as the 1992-3 Warriors, who went 34-48.
(Side note: CLEARLY it should be the Chris & Tim Burger. It’s alphabetical, Mullin was older, and he’d just won a gold medal on the Dream Team.)
(Side note 2: My parents had a joint birthday party this same year where the invitation was them arguing whether it was the "Den & Shar Party” or the “Shar & Den Party.”)
More than anything, the Chris & Tim Burger speaks to the failure of Warriors nickname culture. Latrell Sprewell had the inexplicable nickname, “The Landlord” - I own a poster featuring Latrell dunking with the tagline “TIME TO PAY THE RENT.” Chris Gatling was “The Energizer.” Victor Alexander was “Big Smooth,” although my little sisters called him “Fat Burger.” Among my friends, Billy Owens was informally known as “Homewrecker.”
I’d like to make some retroactive suggestions:
For Tim-Chris-Billy: Run TCB-Why Did We Trade Mitch Richmond???
For Tim-Latrell-Chris: Run TLC. Because they played with a bunch of scrubs.
For Biedrins-David Lee-Steph Curry-Monta Ellis: Run BDSM. Because watching that team was masochistic.
It wouldn’t work now, because the Draymond burger would talk trash to the rest of the food, the Klay burger would only be available at Downtown McDonald’s locations, the Harrison Barnes burger would be perfectly acceptable but cost 22 dollars, and the Steph Curry burger is actually a hot dog.

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Monday, May 30th 2016
3:37pm:

Great Moments In Warriors History: Mike Dunleavy Junior Gets A Standing Ovation
In 2001, the Warriors added Jason Richardson, Troy Murphy, and Gilbert Arenas in a single draft. Quite a collection of talent, and with the third pick in the 2002 draft, they had a great chance to add to their young nucleus. Instead, they picked Mike Dunleavy Junior.
Dunleavy had won a national title with Duke as a sophomore. He was tall, but too skinny to play forward. He was a great outside shooter in college, but didn’t develop three-point range until his sixth year in the league. Mike’s father was an NBA coach, so the Warriors were hoping his family pedigree would extend to the next generation. Mike Dunleavy Senior was a pretty disappointing NBA coach, so they weren’t exactly wrong.
On March 23, 2005, MDJ finally won the affection of Warriors fans. After a terrible offensive foul call against him, Dunleavy lost his mind, screaming at the ref and earning a rare “flagrant technical,” leading to his immediate ejection. One can only assume he suggested that the referee had sexual relations with his mother, or at least suggested that he should make love to himself. The ejection didn’t stop the rampage, however. Dunleavy kept screaming at the ref, until the entire team interceded, and then he took his jersey off and flung it into the crowd. The arena rose at once to applaud.
That was the last time they’d cheer. Dunleavy signed a wildly unpopular contract extension that fall, and muddled through two more seasons in Oakland before being traded to Indiana. The Warriors immediately made the playoffs. Dunleavy eventually reached the postseason in 2011, nine years into his career, and lost 4-1 in the first round.
(Note: Newspaper reports indicate that two days after the ejection, Dunleavy lost thousands of dollars to Jason Richardson in a bet on the Duke-Michigan State NCAA tournament game.)

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Saturday, May 28th 2016
6:22pm:
Great Moments in Warriors History: Elton Brand Destroys Three Franchises At Once

Great Moments in Warriors History: Elton Brand Destroys Three Franchises At Once
In 2007, Baron Davis led the Warriors to the playoffs for the first time in 13 years, where they upset the top-seeded, 67-win Dallas Mavericks. In 2008, the Warriors won 48 games but missed the playoffs (they would have been the #4 seed in the East). Baron has $17 million coming to him in 2008-9, but he also had an opt-out. He and Chris Mullin reached an agreement on a three-year extension, but team president Robert Rowell vetoed the deal. So Baron became a free agent.
Down in Los Angeles, All-Star Elton Brand was also a free agent, though he said he’d take less money if it helped the Clippers add another star. He and Baron made a pact to play together in LA, Baron’s home town. On July 6, 2008, Baron agreed to a five-year deal with the Clippers. On July 9, 2008, Brand agreed to a five-year deal with… the Philadelphia 76ers. Panicked, the Warriors signed former Clipper Corey Maggette to a five-year deal.
All three contracts were terrible. Elton Brand got hurt and missed most of his first year in Philly. He maxed out at 15 points per game, never made another All-Star team, and was eventually waived by Philadelphia, who began a four-year cycle of tanking.
Maggette hogged the ball, played terrible defense, and led the league in six-step traveling violations in Oakland, before being traded to Milwaukee two years later. In return, the Warriors received Charlie Bell, who achieved notoriety that fall for showing up drunk to a hearing in a DUI case. The team used its amnesty provision on Bell in a failed attempt to sign Tyson Chandler or DeAndre Jordan, which then required them to trade a first-round pick to dump Andris Biedrins’ salary in 2013.
Davis was overweight and unhappy in LA. Two years into his deal, the Clippers nightmare racist owner, Donald Sterling, had begun regularly heckling him from his courtside seats. The frustrated Clippers finally gave up a first-round pick just to get rid of Baron’s contract - which became the #1 pick in the draft, Kyrie Irving.Since this deal, all three teams have been sold.
On a positive note, Corey Maggette gave out thousands of Clippers tickets to underprivileged kids through his program, “Uh Oh Maggette-Os.” This was a real thing!

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4:07pm:
Golden State Warriors It's A Great Time Out Commercial 99-00

Great Moments in Warriors History: Tim Young Has A Great Time Out
The 1999-2000 Warriors were a profoundly depressing team. They were tough to watch, both because of their play and because of this ad, which ran at every single commercial break throughout the season.
It’s inexplicable on many levels. There’s a bunch of steel drums, which in 1999 indicated you were watching a Girls Gone Wild commercial. There’s a fish eye lens, because, again, 1999, but it makes Antawn Jamison’s smile look troubling. Adonal Foyle has maracas. Minutes leader Mookie Blaylock (currently incarcerated) is filmed in fast-motion, because he’s 32 and not that quick. Donyell Marshall and Erick Dampier look embarrassed, especially when Dampier has to give Thunder the mascot a piggyback ride. And then there’s Tim Young.
Young was a rookie center from Stanford. He played 137 total minutes that season, the only one in his NBA career. His baffling inclusion in this commercial can only be explained by, “We needed a white guy.” Even in a grief glimpse of Young’s dancing, you can see his footwork is a problem.
The pun did make a lot of sense. A time out may not be exciting, but it meant that for at least 20 seconds, you didn’t have to watch the Warriors play basketball. Even Tim Young’s dancing was better than that. The team finished 19-63, but Orlando had the Warriors’ first-round pick, and took Mike Miller. Mike Miller just finished his 16th season in the NBA.

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3:08pm:

Great Moments In Warriors History: The Jason Caffey Blockbuster
The Warriors selected Joe Smith with the first pick in the 1995 NBA Draft, so by midseason 1998, it was time to trade Joe Smith. They flipped him for two players who weren’t going to re-sign, so the Warriors needed a new power forward. Someone with championship pedigree. Someone like Chicago Bulls backup Jason Caffey.
Scottie Pippen’s agent had been very critical of the Bulls ownership all season. Pippen was crucial to the Bulls threepeat hopes, but Jason Caffey had the same agent. So even though Caffey had started five playoff games the previous year, the Bulls traded him, purely out of spite.
The Warriors made a run to close the season that year, mainly because their 1998 pick was top-3 protected, and they needed to claw their way to the 4th-worst record. Caffey averaged almost 11 points per game down the stretch. After the season, the Warriors were terrified that he too would leave, so they signed Caffey to a 7-year, $35 million contract. It was like they’d gotten out of a long relationship, and immediately proposed to the first person they dated afterward. Unfortunately, though Caffey WAS a rebound, he couldn’t rebound.
Caffey was traded to Milwaukee two years later, and went on to father 10 children with 8 different women. He filed for bankruptcy in 2008. The Warriors kept their pick and selected future Hall of Famer Vince Carter, then traded him away minutes later.

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2:17pm:

Great Moments In Warriors History: Rick Barry Is Publicly Racist
Many great players passed through the Warriors organization over the years - Wilt Chamberlain, Nate Thurmond, Hall of Famers Paul Arizin and Tom Gola. But the most emblematic Warrior of all time is the man who led them to their first title in Oakland, Rick Barry.
Barry won Rookie of the Year in his first season, and led the team to the NBA Finals in his second year. Since he was a Warrior, he then sat out the following season in a contract dispute, showing the team’s new California fans that good things would never last. He led the team to an improbable championship in 1975, but in Game 7 of the 1976 Western Conference Finals, Barry got mad at his teammates and refused to shoot, and the Suns won the series.
(30 years later, Kobe Bryant delivered a homage to Barry, also refusing to shoot the ball in a Game 7 against the Suns.)
After his career, Barry specialized in announcing and casual racism. During the 1981 Finals, he told broadcast partner Bill Russell that he had a “watermelon grin” (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rg8kkzzHSTw). Barry stopped working with Russell after that, but was still well regarded enough to work the 1988 dunk contest. When Michael Jordan took off for a jam, Barry turned on the racism.
“That’s what I call the Chinese Superman dunk. He comes at it a little sideways, he’s got some slant on it.”
Why didn’t this guy ever get a shot at an NBA coaching job??? Barry eventually returned to the Bay to host a depressing talk radio show, and later got booed off the court during Chris Mullin’s jersey retirement.

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1:05pm:

Great Moments In Warriors History: Chris Washburn Has A Career Night
In 1986, the Warriors drafted Chris Washburn with the first pick in the NBA Draft. One pick earlier, the Celtics selected Len Bias, who died of a cocaine overdose two days after the draft, yet arguably had a better pro career than Washburn.
Washburn battled knee soreness his rookie year and a dependence on painkillers, which led to a kidney infection. But on December 7, 1986, Washburn had a career night. He came off the bench against the Lakers to notch 17 points and 12 rebounds, even throwing in an assist and a steal. Finally, a glimpse of the potential he’d shown in college!
The Lakers won the game 132-100. Seven weeks later, Washburn checked into cocaine rehab. He played 72 games in his career, and was banned from the NBA for life in 1989. Next year, the Warriors used their first-round pick on Tellis Frank, who is most famous for working as an assistant coach in the WNBA.

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